Remember how I took a great homeopathic remedy awhile back and it wiped out my short term memory? What, I didn't tell you about that? Oh. I may have told my mother three times...
Yesterday I had to get a new driver's license because I lost mine. A few months ago. Then I forgot. Thought of it. Forgot it. Finally got it done but had to go home and get the ID that I needed and had forgotten.
The good news is that I spent the last two weeks feeling really dang good! The remedy works! Just too well! I had energy; I didn't feel like I wanted to go back to bed at 10am. I took the dog for hour-long walks. I went to Ikea. By myself.
Two days ago I went to the dreaded grocery store and got $190 worth of food. Do you understand the hugeness of this? Not only was I in the store long enough to put that much food in the cart, and NOT run screaming, but I did it without the help of my Ipod. (I forgot it.) I was thinking about food, and cooking, and I wasn't intimidated but it. There was enough money in the account to pay for it! And, I even remembered to bring my wallet! This was a stunning achievement.
But yesterday for unknown reasons, things started to unravel. I felt that unfocused low grade panic creep back in. My thoughts were disjointed and alarming. I felt it coming on and I knew it, before it hit me, I recognized it. I tried to tell myself that this was okay, that a year ago I wouldn't have had this much warning because I was too mentally confused to see it.
There wasn't much comfort in this. I liked feeling good. I still felt borderline crazy. All the time. I've decided to be okay with feeling constantly borderline crazy. At least that way, I know that I am still alive and that I'm still ME. But this, this brain fog. Not just lack of memory; that in itself is scary, but the doom!
There are a few things happening here. One is my struggling to accept that I have been dealing with the Dark Doom of Fog since about age twelve, and it's been seizing me and releasing me ever since. It will always be there. My challenge is to learn to deal with it instead of fighting it, because I think when I have fought it, it has won.
The other thing is that I'm in pain, and it's not just my mental struggles. It's physical. I have Scoliosis. Or did I already tell you that? I forget. My spine is crooked. I wake up stiff and creaky every morning and for the last few months I don't always feel better as the day goes on. I was in tears about it a few nights ago when my husband and I went to bed at the same time. He quietly said that he's noticed that my back seems to be getting worse. He noticed that I mention it casually more often; it just works its way into my words. And he's noticed that visually, I'm more crooked than I used to be.
This is me. I asked him to take a photo because I want to see how bad it is. It was a terrifying idea but I've faced it now. I mean, I can look in the mirror and see that one shoulder is higher and my collarbones are uneven. But I can feel it. I could reach around right now and point to the spot where my spine heads off in a different direction.
I was standing up straight for the photos. It drove me nuts. I never stand straight. I always have one knee bent and one hip out. I've noticed lately that I can't even hold one position long. Constantly shifting to try to get comfortable.
This is me after Jethro traced the crazy meandering cow path of my spine. I looked at the photos and said, "Oh God. No wonder I'm in pain."
He said the photos don't really convey it because in my lower back, it also twists. Like a spiral. He's a little concerned.
This is so scary. I'm 35. I hope to get another 50 years out of this body. I ache like a 90 year old dairy farmer already.
Worse, I've passed it on to both my kids. The Girl's is very mild, which is a relief because she's a ballet dancer. But the Boy. I'm already worried. I'm actually getting choked up in my throat as I write this.
I have been going to a chiropractor for years. Yesterday on my run through town, I drove yet again past a new place that's opened up called "Spine Stretch Studio." It's a Pilates clinic, a serious one where they have these machines that are meant to pull you into place. It's been rattling around in my head that I would like a spine stretch. It would have to feel better than the way I feel now. I think it's time to get medieval about this.
And today I feel very apprehensive about what I'm facing. But I had my off day. I crawled down the path. It's okay. I don't believe in taking the easy road anyways...it's almost against my religion to take the smooth easy path.
There are good things to tell you before I get on with it today.
-My son, the child of two non-athletic people (neither of us were sporty) is going to the area track meet tomorrow! He's competing in the standing long jump. He's the second shortest guy in his class, but he's as strong as an ox! A very cute ox with blonde curly hair.
-My daughter, the child of an innumerate, got an A+ in geometry!!!!!!!! That's going up on the wall. She worked hard for that mark.
-Somebody bought a Hick Chic tank top and I'm so thrilled. I'll probably never know who it was but it doesn't matter. Just the thought that somebody else out there is wearing my "brand" is such a buzz.
And after agonizing over the trashing I gave an artist that I like, I've decided to not be ashamed. Scroll down to the link, and let me know what you think about it. I'm curious now.
No shame, not in my opinions, my decisions, my mental state, or my physical oddities. I'm stepping over the branches on the path and the fog is thinning out....