Saturday, March 04, 2006

More hick stuff later. Right now, Oscar stuff

I'm indulging my sick showbiz fascination this weekend.

First of all, some of my favourite actors who WON'T be getting a little gold guy this year:
Johnny Depp. Let me get this straight, Capt. Jack Sparrow was good enough to get him a nomination, but Willy Wonka wasn't? Willy Wonka was creepy. And funny. And troubled. And didn't really look like what we expected to see. Don't get me wrong, I though Capt. Jack was brilliant, and will be the new benchmark for all pirate portrayals from here on. I just think that if this guy was supposed to get nominated for anything, honestly, it should have been in about 1992. For Edward Scissorhands.

John Malkovitch. He's just so creepy. He's the go-to guy for creepy.

Christopher Walken. Just because he is who he is. He's got a thing that he does very well. And he does it over and over again. He calls it, Christopher Walken.

Angelina Jolie. She's beautiful, and she's completely crazy. She's also a good actress. She is very good at Becoming Someone Else. She already has an Oscar for efficently stealing Girl, Interrupted from Winona Ryder. This year she's got the Homewrecker Prize for stealing Brad, Fickle from his wife, (who I'm told is also an actor) and creating more of them for us. I shouldn't like her so much, because of all this stealing, but you know, I just have a special affinity for crazy women.

John Cusack. For being adorable. Consistently, likeably adorable, even when his character is being a jerk. Still adorable.

Salma Hayek. Not just gorgeous. Go watch Frida. Oh and also I respect her for representing the Gravity Defying Bum. It's the Special Affinity again.

Owen Wilson. Known alternatively as This Guy! On google images, the whole page consisted of This Guy! grinning. I believe he grew up in Texas, out in the sticks, which I think is cool. Plus he was really funny in Bottle Rocket.

Scarlett Johanssen. She always looks like she's Not Acting. That's quickly becoming my personal benchmark for good acting. I just don't want to work so hard to watch somebody act. Scarlett is easy to watch.

Christopher Guest. I believe that he is incredibly underrated. What can't this man do? He's my hero.

Anjelica Huston. What a face.

Marlon Brando. He won't get an Oscar because he died a few years ago, but regardless, he would just give it away anyways. He made it look easy. Mumbling and all.

Helena Bonham Carter. She's got slightly crazy eyes. You're never sure what time period she's from. And if Tim Burton loves her then I love her too.

Christina Ricci. Also timeless, plus she's slightly scary looking. Most of all, she played Wednesday Addams and she's been in three movies with Johnny Depp.

So, about those nominations? I have to admit, I'm way behind. I've seen very few of the movies up for grabs this year. Pathetic, I call myself a fan. But I do know this:

Joaquin Phoenix. I think he's another actor who's effortless to watch. He's believable. And judging from the photos, he got the Johnny Cash thing down. It's hard to portray someone so iconic, but I can't see anybody else doing it better.

Keira Knightley. I heard Domino was awful in every way but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. She's good at fiery and plucky. She's very expressive. I wonder how much range she has. She probably won't win because she's young. Besides, she's up against Charlize Theron and Felicity Huffman playing Unattractive, and Oscar just loves that.

I did go to see The Corpse Bride last year, and I thought it was brilliant. However, I do have a soft spot for Wallace & Gromit.

Best Picture is so obvious. I'm not just saying that because I love cowboys. I'm saying that because EVERYBODY loves cowboys.


George Larson said...

This is the first time that I've been to your blog and I am calling you out!

You are no 'Hick'. I am surrounded by them.

They fear polysyllabic words. They violently retract from books (like vampires from sunlight).

You're a hick-poser.
A hick wanna-be.
Faux hick.

You are, as a matter of fact, hickless.

Learn to deal with it.

I am here for you.

Heidi the Hick said...

Dude, you actually are sadly wrong, my love. You are making the same mistake that so many make; perpetuating a stereotype without even knowing what they're talking about. You, George Larson, do not know what you are talking about. You're a call-out-poser. A truth wanna-be. Faux know.

You are in truth surrounded by YOKELS.

If I was a nerd, I would know how to how to send you to one of the first things I wrote but I'm not that SMRT. So read this and then get back to me.
Archives: October 2005: Hick, yokel, redneck: smarten up and get it right!

Don't call me out until you know what you're talking about man. Toilet sucker. Deal with that! Until then, I remain here for you too.

Love, Heidi

George Larson said...


The mere desire to been a superior breed of neo-hick does not make it so. Nor does your insistance that the arbitrary delineations that you draw separating these classes is a reality.


adj : awkwardly simple and provincial; "bumpkinly country boys"; "rustic farmers"; "a hick town"; "the nightlife of Montmartre awed the unsophisticated tourists" [syn: bumpkinly, rustic, unsophisticated] n : not very intelligent or interested in culture [syn: yokel, rube, yahoo, hayseed, bumpkin, chawbacon]

Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University

Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

Love, Georgie the Chawbacon

Heidi the Hick said...

Duh. Obviously that was written by a townie!

pluvialis said...

Yeah, princeton idiots! You're definitely a hick, heidi, no fear. We all love you for it (being a hick, being sharply and wittily intelligent, being just in pretty much every way awesome)

Heidi the Hick said...

Hey, did he just say "arbitrary delineations"?

Haw haw haw!

Pluvi, takes one to know one, my love!

Budding Rose said...

I love Christopher Guest. Have you seen Best in Show?

zedlie said...

Okay, I happen to know the actual chic and all, but I must say I enjoyed your observations on the Osca's. Very Humourous, Why aren't you in all of the finest magazines???? Way to go, Keep Bloggin, from someone else who plays guitar badly......

Heidi the Hick said...

Zedlie plays guitar WAY BETTER than me!