Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Music's Uncoolest Night: Hick Chic Grammy Review!

Sorry, no photos, no time, gotta write this now while I'm still excited about the project. In case you're wondering, Smart Guy rigged up an antenna which almost does the job. I'm watching it in glorious fuzzy not-quite-colour. My right eye is buzzing uncomfortably. I know, it just shouldn't mean so much to me, but it does. Ok, here we go.

-First of all. Madonna. Madge. Esther. Whatever. I have a long history of Love/Hate for this woman. When I was 13 I wanted to be her. The bleached frizzy hair tied up in a bow, the rubber bracelets and lace gloves, the belly button. I did that. Really lost the love a few years later on. Will always be jealous of her for her little children's books, which I refuse to look at, because she got a publishing deal and how easy was that? HOWEVER tonight, when she was doing her little "Hung Up" routine, I could only think the following: wow. She's still got it. Is she actually singing for real? I think she is. Huh. Damn. Did you see her shakin her stuff? Nothing jiggled. I gotta get out of the desk chair and start exercising again.

-Keith Urban. Cute in a greasy way. Hell of a player. Good singer. When the heck did Faith Hill start playing guitar???

-If Alicia Keys sings, my hair stands up delightfully. She speaks, my eyes roll painfully.

-It was fun watching Coldplay. Chris Martin looked and sounded Completely Deranged. It's so nice that they finally let Jonny Buckland whip off a few riffs. The poor guy has spent the last five years going, "Guitar solo? Now? No? Okay, now? We're a rock band, guitar solo? No? Okay." Let Jonny riff! Let Jonny riff!

-Mariah. Yup, you're a stunning talent alright. I'm hungry.

-That Kanye - Jamie Gold Digger thing was a blast. Glad somebody brought some fun!

-Gwen looks good pregnant. I couldn't tell from the fuzzy screen if her dress was ugly or not. Probably was. But she looks good.

-Christina Aguilera is all growed up now. And still one of the best singers around.

-D'ya think Kanye is gonna kick Green Day's collective whiny butts after the show?

-It took them THIS LONG to recognize Robert Johnson? He only STARTED all of this. Geez.

-Sir Paul was great. Honestly. I really thought he was solid. Until he showed up with Linkin Park and Jay Z. What the hell was that?

-"Sometimes You Can't Make it on Your Own" is a brilliant song.

-I think Mary J Blige grabbed a hold of "One", effortlessly snatched it away from Bono, loved it up, made it her own, and paraded it out in front of everybody who cares just to prove that it belongs to Mary now.

-Whoever responsible for Sugarland's audio is going to get fired. My kids thought it was really funny that the chick's vocal disappeared and we heard the tech's walkie-talkies instead. OOps!

-God had nothing to do with your win. God gave you talent. Your recording engineer made you sound good. Thank your engineer.

-This thing goes on way too long. My butt is numb.

-Hot Damn! I wanna go to New Orleans! I betcha it's way hotter a groove down there, even in the shape it's in, that it could ever be on the stage of the Staples Center.

-I think Actually Singing is back in style. Not every performance sounded all auto-tuned and pro-tooled. Of course Jethro will probably tell me tomorrow that I'm wrong because he knows. He just knows.

-Next time I'm in a bar somewhere, I wanna see the band plus everybody they've ever played with, everybody they've ever wanted to play with, some musicians who have nothing to do with them, and a few drunks all up on that stage stamping their feet, lip syncing, and pretending this is the BEST time they've EVER had.

Does any of this matter? Nope. Is it the dorkiest, most bloated, irrelevant back patting session in the world? YUP. Record sales will go up after this; they always do...not that it matters anymore! But we just love to get together and do the old mutual admiration thing. Man, I just love showbiz. I wasted almost 4 hours of my life on it just now and I'm ready for the Oscars now! I have just enough time to work the pins and needles out of my backside on time for that giant wankfest of all wankfests. OOh I can hardly wait!!!!


Heidi the Hick said...

Omissions: Springsteen proved that a guy alone on a stage can make an impact, Kelly Clarkson came off like a sweet little Texan girl in her speeches and a total pro on stage, and Sly & the Family Stone made some groovy songs.

Smartypants said...

I didn't watch any of it. I totally forgot it was on.

Heidi the Hick said...

That's because you could think of so many other fun things to do. Gosh Smarty, you must have a LIFE!

Smartypants said...


Well. I've just been kind of busy lately. I don't watch tv anymore. I just record stuff on the DVR if I want to see something.

I'm thinking about taking dressage lessons.

I want a Dutch warmblood. Dare to dream, right?

Heidi the Hick said...

Well last night is the first time I've watched TV, as it happens, in over a year. You can live without it, you won't believe the delicious peace!
I've wanted to try dressage for a few years. Despite his scrappy smallness think my King would enjoy it. A trainer told me he tucks in his head too much and picks up his hooves too much for reining. (He's Doodelbug!!!!)
Have you thought of leasing? I live in "Horse Country" ie "money country" and lots of riders lease because board is damn near a mortgage payment here.

Smartypants said...

Yeah. I used to lease a horse when I was a teenager. I miss horses. A lot.

There's a good dressage stable nearby. I also miss jumping but I like the idea of the discipline of dressage.

pop renaissance said...

i hate the grammys. however, i'd read yer review of it any year - this is utterly hilarious.

Heidi the Hick said...

thanks Pop! Nice pedals!