Monday, December 19, 2005

Scrooge McHick

I love Christmas so much that I have not put up a Christmas tree. Or anything else. I've got a lovely display of star lights on my living room window but they've kind of been there for a year so I don't think that really counts. It's just that they're plugged in now.

Partly, I can't be friggin bothered this year. Just getting through a day is enough of a hassle. Partly, I have a canine chewing machine now and don't want to deal with those consequences.

But I've always been like this. I totally resent the way this landmark event in my life has been taken over by the greedy-grab. All year everybody's got their hands out to take my money, and this time of year it's unavoidable. Christmas is a retail event. In my life it's an actual religious thing. I don't care if Jesus was holy or was the product of an inappropriate liason. Who cares, he grew up to rock the world and I mean that, Jesus ROCKED. If he wasn't the son of god, then props to his mother for raising him up with such a truckload of self esteem that he managed to make people listen to him, and confuse the heck out of them, and have a big fat book written about him. Good job Mary.

Oh and I also have a birthday to go with it so thanks, Retail Gods, for ruining my birthday too while you're wrecking my Christmas spirit.

But since we give gifts to honour birthdays, I get presents for my loved ones on the day that myself and my home boy Jesus were born. A very limited amount of meaningful though not necessarily pricey gifts.

Blah blah blah, whatevs. Here's the important thing I want to tell the six of you today...How Heidi the Hick Copes With the Evils of Preparing For the "Holiday":
-Charge up the ipod. My son did up a little therapy mix for me. It consists of AFI, Metallica, Alter Bridge, Creed (only the heavy stuff that never made it to radio, not the wussy "Hits") Guns N Roses, Alice in Chains...get the point? You know, soothing music for insane people. Insipid vacuous Xmas music makes me feel MURDEROUS.
-have lots of fuel in the truck. That way I can make a quick getaway without stopping at the gas station
-start in November. It's not too cold to wear the running shoes. I need the running shoes. They make my wimpy feet feel good and also I can make more quick getaways.
-bring something to read or a notepad to write in, in case I get stuck waiting for something. I hate waiting.
-make the kids wrap everything that's not for them. They'll probably do just as good a job as I would and they actually like it.
How To Shop in Hell--I mean, The Mall:
-observe the huge amount of people who have bought really stupid crap. Then I can feel like I'm at least smarter than them.
-Pause in the record store. Consider buying a disc you're only heard one tune on the radio from, but Spin mag keeps blathering about it, and then set it down. Buy Johnny Cash instead. Then on the way to the counter, pick up that old Iron Maiden record that all your friends had in the 80's when it was already "old" but you never bought it because you could listen to their tape instead. When you get home listen to it and have happy thoughts about drunken bush parties. I'll explain bush parties in detail later. Top the experience off by being really glad you don't bush party anymore.
-pause in the book store. Expand the wish list you gave your mom. Regretfully wish you could write as well as ___. Then pick up a book by ___, realize indignantly that he/she is a crap writer, wonder angrily how that garbage got published and your own work of genius keeps getting rejected, set the book down, and storm out empty handed, determined to prevail over the stupidity of the jerks who run the slush pile department at the publisher's.
-Go eat something you wouldn't normally get. Or get sushi. Yeah that's right, the hick said sushi. Deal with it!
-Get the hell out of the mall. You should never be in there for more than two hours. It causes brain rot. It's true.

I don't give stuff to the mailman or the teachers or the mechanic. It's gotta stop somewhere. Call me cheap, I don't mind. For me, being cheap is right up there on the list of virtues with being a hick.

And on that happy note, I'm putting my snoring dog into his kennel, taking my ipod to the grocery store and getting enough food to keep us alive for another week. I'm actually not as grumpy as I sound today. As long as I ignore the obnoxious elves that are hiding behind the cookie displays, and get out as fast as I can, I'll be even better!
Merry December 19th, everybody!

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