2016 GRAMMY AWARDS it's a national holiday it's worldwide it's music's biggest night...

New! Improved! Now includes photos and bonus captions!!!


Hello and welcome to the Hick Chic Grammy Awards coverage - as it happens! It's the red carpet show right now. I'm watching Demi Lovato's face moving while no words are coming out.  Makes for a pretty mysterious interview.

Here's where I confess that I don't know who half the nominees are.  Who are all these younguns???  I need to get out from under the rock more often and know what's going on out there.  Or not. Get off my lawn.

Most importantly, JOHNNY DEPP IS HERE and he apparently has a band with Alice Cooper. And Joe Perry. HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS EXISTS?????

Hollywood Vampires.  I can believe that.  

See this is why I have to watch the Grammys.  Okay so we've got two minutes to go and the hype man is hyping.  The dog is cuddled up, Jethro's got his drink, and let's have some awkward live TV moments!

Oh it's the Taylor Swift show.  And they cut away to the pre show again.  Geez people.  We're watching an info block about the song she's performing.  Which we can't see.

Singing!

On the live stream we can choose what camera to watch and right now we're seeing guys with lanyards and headsets.  Now we're seeing Taylor and Selena cuddling and Taylor looks like Anna Wintour.  A girl nearby sees herself in the monitor and "Oh my god guys we're on the camera"  and then Selena looks up and then Taylor looks up and smiles.  I'm getting the feeling the live stream is not the actual show????? DAMMIT.  And here we are with no TV.  Hey, remember when we used to watch TV by plugging it in and turning it on?  This is totally anticlimactic and annoying.  All we can see is John Legend and Chrissy Teigen covered in glitter and applauding.  They're not annoying.  But this whole TV computer thing where we refuse to get cable and don't have an antenna is a load of stupid.

Well Jethro seems to have found the right place to watch this thing, and we've got some young buff fella (that would be Sam Hunt) and Carrie Underwood singing, but all we can hear is the house audio, not the broadcast.  Whatever.

SINGING.

Carrie appears to be wearing a figure skating workout dress over her undies?  I don't know.  All that fiddling around with websites and this is what we get.  Is he a lost Hemsworth?  Well that happened.

He looks good in this colour.  But those pants just don't fit.  He probably hates shopping.

Oh gawd there's Arianna Grande.  Is she for real?  Where's the string in her back hahaha.  Ah she's a little doll.

Okay we've got sound!!!!! High quality karaoke.  It's the Weeknd.

He's so cute but I hate his hair.  I wanna drive a dinky car up the back and fling it off the front.  Dukes of Hazzard style.  He can't feel his face but just  for the first verse and chorus, then his face appears to be functioning again, so he will now sing beside a piano and cello.

 Stephen Moccio is playing piano (I think so, I can't hear it) and he is not wearing a scarf but his jacket is sparkly and his hair is magnificent so that's good.

Jethro is playing his favourite game where he shatters my illusions and tells me it's taped.  He does this to me all the time and I can't tell anymore if he's full of it or not.  The cello is mic'd.  Or at least it appears to be.  I know nothing.

We can't hear LL Cool J.  But he looks nice.  Jethro is snarkily face-booking about the sound with his people.  That'll learn 'em.


Apparently Andra Day is a big deal but we can't tell.  The piano track is up but the vocal mic is not happening.  There's some echoing stuff that might be her voice.  She is wearing something very white and fluffy.

Now there's a blonde girl but I don't know who she is -  Ellie Goulding maybe?  Oh there's her voice.  And the other voice!  I don't think they belong on the same stage.  One is singing the heck out of the other one.  Anyways.  Good thing Jethro made a stink about the sound problems because now it's fixed.

Who is Cam?  Why does she need only one name?

Mmm lemon meringue pie!

 Don't you have to be super famous first?  Like Celine, Shania, Mariah, Cher, Madonna, geez even Avril?  Should I know this lady?  Maybe I need to get out more.



Chris Stapleton gets Country album!  Yay!

Jethro? Is that you???

I love Kacey too but I like this dude fella. It's possible I just feel right about big guys with long hair and some whiskers.

It's Lionel Richie time!  How is that guy not aging?  Person of the year!

Everybody SING!

 Now a bunch of people are going to sing his songs.  I love-hate these performances.  Demi Lovato's hair is longer than it was in the pre-show?  Poor girl has to sing "Hello."  The most famous of this guy's songs.  No Pressure.  Lionel is cheering with tears in his eyes.   Good job, Death In A Bottle!!  **

**Years ago, my little friend Cute Stuff (who is now a teenager) told Selina, who was trying out black eyeliner, that she looked like Demi Lovato. But he said it so fast I thought he said, "you look like death in a bottle".  I had no idea what a Lovato was back then.  Since then, Demi Lovato has been known to us as Death In A Bottle.   I do think she's lovely and she's not toxic!!  (She's been through some heavy stuff and come out the other side.  I cheer for her.)


Help me with something.  Why does Meghan Trainor bug me?  She's cute.  She's perky.  She can sing.  She looks awesome in that black dress.  Why do I cringe when I see her?  Why?  Why?  What's wrong with me?

Seriously rocking this dress.  Seriously because it's black.  Serious.  

I keep forgetting that Lionel did Brick House.  HOWSE.  Oh, Lionel is getting up to sing!!!! In a shiny jacket!  All night long!  (Also why is Robin Thicke there???  A camera keeps finding him in the audience.  Why is this happening?)

It's music teacher time!  Yay Music Teacher award!

Little Big Town.  Dude that's an oxymoron ok?

More seriousness.  Because black clothes and orchestral accompaniment means serious.  

Is "Girl Crush" a country version of "I Kissed a Girl", but performed with an orchestra?  She's wearing a lacy skirt over pants. A PANTSDRESS?  Oh hey this song isn't gay, relax people, nothing to get all outraged about after all.  It's about a girl wanting to be like a girl so a boy will like her more.  Well see now that's perfectly acceptable and not offensive at all right?  (That was sarcasm. I'm squicked out by this weird stalker kind of song. I mean, just kiss the girl if that's what you're into.  That's what Kacey Musgraves says.) The whole thing is slightly uncomfortable, especially with the pantsdress.  The other woman in the band is wearing what appears to be just a very long blazer pretending to be a dress.  They should get together on that.  Just wear all the clothes.

Stevie Wonder is wearing camo and sparkles.

Singing with "Pentatonic."  They didn't correct him.  You don't correct Stevie.  He's never wrong.  Pentatonix are a freaking machine.  They don't need pesky instruments.  Then Stevie reads the winner because nobody else can read braille!  Haha!  Accessibility!  You tell 'em Stevie!!!!

Our internet keeps falling apart so we've seen lots of Loreal ads.  Also Ed Sheeran's parents are lovely.  And he's cute and he's chuffed because Stevie Wonder just handed him an award.

Now we have to do an Eagles tribute.  See, I actually, um, okay, full honest confession here.  I don't like the Eagles.  Rest in peace Glenn Frey, even if I don't love your band.  Although something about Joe Walsh makes me chuckle.  Just look at him. You'd think I'd like the Eagles. Harmonies, slightly country sounding well written songs.  You'd think I'd like them.  Sorry.  I really am.  I just don't.  Sorry.    I don't understand it myself.  Oh I KNOW -- It's the total lack of joy.  That's it.  It's all perfect and mechanical and joyless and I say this while I tap my foot to Take It Easy and marvel at how miserable they look.

Until this, I didn't know what a Tori Kelly or a James Bay was. They both seem pretty legit.

It will be interesting to see more of them.  Especially since our internet keeps freezing.  Right now I can see her eyelashes and ear monitors.  sigh.


Oh I'm finally going to experience some "Hamilton."  IF our computer keeps up.

WOW.  That's damn cool!  History as told by some very cool poetry in the form of rapping, with all the costumes and choreography, and a multicultural cast?  I see why people are losing their minds over this!



Okay so let's see how this Kendrick Lamar fella goes.

Wooooow.  That was one of the most intense heavy amazing performances ever.  I am not sure what I just experienced, but wow that was A THING.  So much going on: the choreography, the lighting, I think that was some heavy jazz in the background, and fire, backlight, the whole set.   I think this performance gets into things I don't understand in general.  It is just stunning.

Seth MacFarlane shows up and I'm already laughing.  Jerk.

I believe this was snapped backstage. Doesn't this face make you want to snicker?

That's always my reaction to him: hahahajerk!



Hamilton wins for musical theatre and his speech is a perfectly flowing rap.  Heck!!!!  Should get an award for that speech.

Miguel?  Geez I am out of touch.  I didn't know this guy existed.




Rock performance?  Alabama Shakes.

Very refreshingly non-rock-star looking rock stars. 

Again, not real familiar with, but this lady fronting the band is pretty fantastic.  Brittany Howard doesn't look like a rock star!  She looks like that totally cool lady down the street in your small town, who lives with a bunch of cats, wears glittery caftans every day, makes jewellery, and some of the neighbourhood kids say she can time travel and cast love spells.  And bakes good pies.  And makes good music too, who knew!  Also she thanked her engineer.  Yeah!!

Adele!!!  Forget it we all love her.  She actually is the best.

"What is happening to the audio?  Bloody hell.  Show must go on!"

She's perfection but the broadcast mix could be better.  We don't need to hear the click track.  But it's not a click track, it sounds like a steel string guitar?  And it's intermittent?  She's doing this live and it's a hell of a song to tackle.  I can't think of anybody else who'd even attempt it.  And she is GORGEOUS.  I have to admit, I don't think this was her best performance, but Adele at her less-than-best is still better than… most mortals.

The official word: a mic fell into the piano strings.  Jethro says this is why all his mic stand threads are stripped.  He cranks em down so hard to keep the microphones where they belong.  I can't help but think that in Los Angeles of all places there have to be techs who know what the heck they're doing, although I know this is a hell of a huge production, so I want to give them a break, but still, once a year guys, get it together?  Anyways, being the pro she is, Adele didn't freak out and bitch slap anybody.

"$#!% happens," she said, then announced she was going out for a burger.  True story.  

Oh it's the Skrillex Diplo Bieber thing.  Those don't even sound like real words, do they?

Bieber's wearing gold leopard print.  With a backwards baseball cap - you never really do leave Stratford, do ya? The kid is talented, I really really hope he stops dying his hair yellow, shaves off the straggly stuff on his face and writes some good songs.  This performance is nuts.  There are a lot of people playing musical instruments with strings but I am not sure if any of the noises are coming from them.  Wait Skrillex plays an actual instrument????  Is that a bass?  Is he playing it or just looking cool?  I'm confused.  What is real and what is memorex?  Why is Justin's mustache so sad?  Why doesn't Skrillex wear glasses and push buttons anymore?  No it's a guitar and he's holding it like he's Rob Trujillo from Metallica.  (Is that why I assumed it was a bass?)  Why does Biebs have so many tattoos?  Doesn't he know that won't wash off?  I am distressed.  What kind of dance is that?  Is Skrillex a metal head now???  Does Diplo want to be a drummer now?  Are there three drummers? Why isn't Diplo playing that mellotron?  Marimba?????  Has anybody else noticed how much Skrillex looks like Corey Haim?  I should go to bed.  I'm exhausted.


Ah well Sam Smith is all slim and bearded now.  Lookin good, kid, but please don't lose any more weight Sam, don't waste away.

If the singing thing doesn't pan out, grow that beard all pointy and get some Dapper English Villain roles.  

Best new artist?  Meghan Trainor.  Best New Artist.  Well.  She looks very happy about this.  I'm sure her future husband is thrilled.  Her dad is crying happy tears and that's sweet.

Lady Gaga does Bowie.  Prepare for weird and wonderful.

 Animated?  What!  Real time Aladdin Sane makeup animated on her face??  Crazy?  Wow.  Bowie medley.

 I think she's loving this.  I usually hate these kind of things but this is fun.  Robotic keyboard.  Haha.  Nile Rogers is bringing the funk.

This is the most fun she can have with a serious face and she's pulling it off!    It's all pretty silly too.  Way to go Stefanie.  Ya weirdo.  Actually this is getting really silly.

What are we thinking here, Ed Grimley or Jackie Rogers Jr?

This is borderline Martin Short but that appeals to me.


Bonnie Raitt, the only woman my husband would leave me for.  She's like, Yeah i'm gonna put on a black jacket that somebody hung in my closet and curl my hair and we're good to go.

Couldn't find a pic of all three of them onstage, but here's Gary.

Gary Clark Jr and Chris Stapleton.  Playing some BB King.  Yasssssss.  And then Bonnie shows up.  Damn that woman has a sexy strut and she is one hell of a cool slide guitar player.  Sexy badass.  Agh and her voice!!!! The thrill is gone?  Nope.  BB is gone, but the awesomeness lives on.  WE LOVED THIS PERFORMANCE and they even brought Lucille out on stage.  Awwwww. Lucille.

Now we're going to check out some Alabama Shakes.

This cool lady.  She's playing a sea foam green Gibson SG and a wearing a big white cape.  She looks like a librarian from another planet and I love her big hair.

Wait is there a whole band?  I can only be aware of that magnificent lady.  Sorry fellas but your front woman is stealing the show.  I like this a lot but I don't know about Rock Album of the Year.  Maybe cool album of the year but I don't think that's a category.




DAAAAAAAVE GROOOOO-OOOOHHHHLLLLL!!!!

So we tribute Bowie and BB and now… LEMMY.  And Philthy Animal.  They both died this year and the remaining guys have said there is no more Motorhead.  It's the end of an era.

"Great rock n roll characters," says Dave, referring to Johnny Depp, Alice Cooper and Joe Perry.   Yeah that's for sure.  Hollywood Vampires!  With Duff McKagan and Matt Sorum even!

Pyro!!!!!! I'm already grinning.  Classic Alice Cooper.  Johnny really wanted to do THIS  FOR A LIVING 30 YEARS AGO.  ACTING IS BORING.  ROCKING IS THE SHIT.  Joe Perry is starting to look like Keef.

Alice is perfectly scary.  Johnny looks less bloated than he has for the last year.  I think playing guitar agrees with him!!!  So happy!!!

 Duff is wearing a Motorhead Tshirt and Johnny looks like right natural.  There appears to be an extra guitar player back there too.  I mean why not.  Alice Cooper doesn't age, he just gets more Alicecooperish.  So much pyro and candles and smoke!!!!!  Old badass dudes!!!  They brought Lemmy's rig out!!! They're playing Ace of Spades!  Awesome!!!!!  Can't type.  Rocking.

Okay I'm biased but I really enjoyed that.  They had Duff and Alice singing because it takes two rockers to rock anything close to Lemmy.  Ah well I see the beautiful old Rickenbacker sitting there with "Hammer" the amp and I darn near get a little misty eyed.  Except that, you don't weep when you're rocking.  Just bang your head and grin.  Lemmy would have wanted it that way.

They cut to Bruno Mars in the audience who was like, Um, oh, this is nice, I guess.  A bunch of middle aged white dudes and lots of flames.  Okay…?

It's Neil time.  President Neil!!!  Tell it like it is, Neil Portnow.  Tell it like it is!!!!  People, just listen to Neil, will ya? He just wants you to appreciate Music and the survival of artists!  Also Common continues to be handsome.

And shouts out the producers ands engineers and behind the scenes people who deserve to make a living doing what they do!!!!  YES!!!!!!  A SONG IS WORTH MORE THAN A PENNY!  Yes Neil, let's grow up in a world where music is a viable living!!!!!!  It's like President Neil is reading my mind!!!!

Joey Alexander, this year's youngest nominee, a prodigy with a huge pile of black hair on his little twelve year old head, plays some Jazz on a Steinway.  Herbie Hancock is digging it.  See ya next year, kid.  Stay cute!  And president Neil wants this young fella to have a future career as a musician.  Make it happen people, value music, do it for Joey!!!!



Man it's past my bedtime.  I don't party like I used to.

The remaining members of Earth Wind and Fire are on stage.  These guys have great voices.  Okay album of the year.  Let's do this.


I should keep my moth shut because I said please not Taylor Swift and she got it.  I don't dislike her!  I don't!  I just wanted another one to win.  Poor girl looks so shocked she might fall over.  SHOCKED, SHOCKED I TELL YOU!!!!  I think she's wearing a pink skirt over pink undies.  But the orange and pink is good.  Thanking Max Martin is a good move.  First woman to win album of the year twice.

I'll tell you, Taylor stands up for herself.  And that's pretty cool.  Selena looks like she will cry with admiration.  Tori Kelly looks skeptical. (That might just be her face though.) She clearly had a speech ready to go just in case the shocking thing happened and she won.  It was a good speech, and very well delivered despite her SHOCK.  I do admire Taylor for telling young women to claim their power.  I don't get her music but she's running her own show and that's good.


Then Beyonce shows up.  BECAUSE SHE CAN.

So, record of the year.  Bruno Mars yells c'mon Beyonce let's do it!   and yep, it's Uptown Funk for the win!  Bruno Mars is magic!!!  He calls it out and makes it happen!  I wonder if Bruno And Mick Ronson can feel their faces.

The Weeknd is probably boing to clean up at the Junos.  Well that's it and I just figured out why we kept seeing Robin Thicke in the audience all evening.  He's doing a thing with Pitbull.  I suddenly am really bored.  Why don't I like Pitbull?  Also I stand by my previous observation that Joe Perry is becoming the American Keef.

Sofia Vergara just showed up. Why?  Because she's sexy.

J Lo must be furious right now.  That's supposed to be her gig!!!   The credits are rolling.  Dobby is dreaming and his tail is wagging.  I guess he's a pit bull fan which makes sense.  Pug, pitbull.  Very close.  Robin Thicke and Joe Perry on the same stage.  I'm confused again.  If Biebs shows up I'll get a headache.  I guess this must be the Robin Thicke Redemption Tour Part 1.  Yeah I'm pretty worn thin by now.  Time to take the pug upstairs   GOODNIGHT!

Aaaaaaand here are some extra pix to prolong the fun.

We didn't see this on account of computer issues but this is Taylor Swift wearing a formal boots-onesie?

"Just popped over for a little song, no not nominated,  didn't do my hair or anything… cheerio!"

Chrissy and John.   He always looks like he just told a silly joke, doesn't he?  Their kid is going to be the cutest!

So I didn't catch this, but I enjoy this picture.  Apparently  Dave got in on the marching band going around the auditorium just as the show started.  Dave LOVES being in on any kind of fun music making!!!

Ahhhh Johnny looks more like himself now!  Amber looks like she's on her way to a business meeting and isn't quite sure why this handsome ruffian has draped his tattooed arm over her.  

Wait - they're back together???  Why so miserable looking, kids?  Where's the pink hair and the giant belt buckle?  Do I gotta fix everything around here?  Geez.  

Gary Clark Jr, looking pretty cool.  

Had to include these fellas.  They won the best folk roots album.  NOOOO they won best metal.  They came all the way from Sweden!  Do we think they wore the masks through the airport, or just had some explaining to do on their way through the metal detector????  No idea who the biker in the background is.  They're speech (pre-show) was great.  "We are Ghost.  We are from Sweden."  Crickets in the audience.  

"OMG I found my pet Sheeran!!!"

Not sure how this happened… Selena, Kendrick Lamar and Taylor.  Kendrick is also not sure how this happened.  He appears to be trying very hard to be a gentleman and not make a big deal that Taylor's undies are showing.

Baby Brother Bieber.  This kid is not having it.  Justin's trying to get him to look at  the camera and the kid is like, get your own red carpet.  This one is MINE. 

Miguel with Brittany Howard.  Smiles!!!

Can we talk about Gaga's dress?  Take away the crazy shoes and orange wig and I'd wear that.  On second thought, let's keep the shoes.  I might like to be at eye level with normal height people, too!

Can we talk about Taylor's dress?  Right here it looks very nice but I'm so unsure about the matching undies up there.  I feel like I shouldn't be looking.  But maybe I'm supposed to look!  I feel so uncomfortable!  But I want to like it because of the colours!  Dangit Swift!  

Tony Bennet should just be handed a giant Grammy.  Right now.  

Tori Kelly looking glamorous.  

James Bay looking like late White Stripes-era Jack White.  

The Weeknd looks like he asked somebody to quick take a picture with Adele and she's just waiting for this whole thing to end because she's got to get on a plane again in three hours.

Best for last:  Ringo Starr and Buzz Aldrin.  I have no idea why they're there.  Did they make a record together???? I suspect they simply bring the party to the party.  Rock on, legendary fellas!