2013 HICK CHIC GRAMMY REPORT!!! Shockingly unshocking fun!

I can promise you that after the Grammys, every year, all the critics, of both the perfeshnul and armchair variety, will be saying that the awards were all wrong, every performance was lip-synched, and the whole thing is out of touch with real music fans.  To which I say, blah blah blah.  We only get to watch; it's really about all those people you're looking at and listening to (and a few you're not even aware of) getting together and celebrating one more year of the bare existence of the music industry! So on that cheerful note, here's your REAL Grammy report, the only one that really matters, here on HICK CHIC!

So, I came in from the barn and we fired up the DVR (PVR? VCR killer??) and what's the first thing we see?   A tricycle with a flame thrower?  COOL!  Crazy circus Alice in Wonderland feathers and... Taylor Swift??!!????  

Well, I wasn't expecting that.  I guess that's good? Should I be concerned about the symbolic guy strapped to the knife throwing target there?

We were watching with my mom.  Here's the thing about my mom: she's not a big country music fan and she is NOT a fan of Never Ever Ever No Seriously Like Ever Ever Never Like Ever Never Forever Never Getting Back Together Like Ever Never For Real Like Ever.  Actually her exact words were, "Oh GAWD!" and she hit the mute button so hard the remote skidded across the room while the rest of us laughed our heads off.

But then - the DVR quit!  WAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!  There's a big gap in my Grammy watching!!!!!

WHO DID I MISS?????

Okay, everybody STAY CALM!!!!!  We can handle this!  We have Etalk and the Googlenets!  Just reprogram it and keep watching!  Remain calm!  (Did I miss Johnny??????)

After that we were treated to a puzzling performance from Justin Timberlake.  I didn't get it.  I know, you're thinking, what's not to get.  I just didn't get it.  I didn't like the fake sepia that went to broadcast, and I didn't get the song, and I just didn't dig it.  Sorry, JT. You're great and all.

But I don't really understand the role of Jay Z in music, other than his wife being really awesome and he at least smiles when he's with her, which is nice. 

I would like to say publicly that I love Dave Grohl.  DAAAAAAAAVE GRO-OHHHHHHHL!  He made a point of sending out some love to the engineers and producers in this business.  Thank you, Dave.  Thank you.  Then he handed a trophy to Dan Auerbach.

Happeeeee!

The Black Keys are awesome.  They wore their formal black leather jackets to the show.  Nice.

Then they got on stage and put on this crazeee performance with the Preservation Hall Jazz Band (I'm not even going to pretend to be enough of a hipster to know anything about them) and it was loud and messy and fun!  Check out this feller's feather costume thing.  I don't know.  But I like it. 

They're awesome.  

Dave Grohl overhead- clapped for them.

Right about here I wondered if I missed the Johnny Depp appearance.

Now let's take a break to discuss The Dress Code.  

Although phrases like "bare fleshy under curves" made me snicker, the part about covering the private parts had me rolling my eyes and saying DUH.  Should we even have to specify this? Things were getting a little out of control.  I figured just asking Gaga to stay home would solve the problem.

I was so excited about this.  Couldn't wait to see what showed up.  We're dealing with rock stars and general exhibitionists.  They are in general flaunting all of those written and unwritten rules of propriety.  For a living.  

Anyways, the most shocking part was not the indecent outfits, or the brazen defiance of the rules, but rather how well everybody behaved.  

Good ol Katy Perry wasn't about to let a dress code stop her from showing off what God gave her.  

"What?  I bought this dress months ago.  Back when FLESHY UNDER CURVES were still okay."

I first wrote FLASHY under curves which is really more accurate.  Also Flashy side curves.  

I'm just going to say it: she looks so good in that dress it's ridiculous.  You're looking too.  I know you are.  Everybody is.  

Yeah that's right Ellen, we're all thinking it!

Alicia Keys inspired me to keep track of all the dress code infractions: technically not bare, but definitely fleshy.  

Why do I have such mixed feelings about her?  She's gorgeous and talented.  She also sings flat all the time.  Well apparently her singing is the only thing about her that's flat.  Baboomchhhhhh.

Actually what bugged me the most was the way she got up to do her big drum thing, which may or may not have been real, and started off her performance with her same old, "Unh.... c'mon..." and I groaned.  Stop sounding like a thug!  Oh well.  I don't truthfully know if she's always flat.  She doesn't sound right to me, but my sense of pitch isn't great.  Jethro and the kids are always screaming about flat or sharp.  Maybe, maybe Alicia Keys is SO COOL that she just can't be bothered to bust a sweat getting up to the right note.  Maybe, she's too busy writing songs and having a great booty and raising a child, and being the Creative Inspiration Of Worldwide Imaginative Smartphone Creativity.  Maybe she doesn't have to sing in tune because she recently invented a way to hit two drums long enough to train them how to hit themselves.  Maybe she is MAGIC.  

Aaaaand speaking of magical curves.  You are all dying to see what Rihanna dragged out.

WOW.  Gorgeous.  Surprisingly decent.  Beautiful.  

Speaking of what she's dragging around with her?

I can't, I just can't,  because I will rant about this but they're not my friends and aren't asking for my advice, so all I want to say is, DUH. Let me repeat that: DUH.

Well, bad decision making aside, the girl is a brilliant performer.  

I have completely forgotten who she performed with.  She was so intense.  

The full-on Angelina treatment worked really well for her.  

Such a simple, elegant dress.  Well done.  

Aaaaaand speaking of the full-on Angelina...

Well now I think we can all agree that this look has become timeless, right?

But if it gets to the point that everybody's doing that look, and even some hick from Punkeydoodles is working the one leg out of the side slit thing, I can't help but wonder if it's totally jumped the shark and just isn't cool anymore, y'know?  Except what am I saying?  If it's good enough for Angelina and JLo it's good enough for anybody right?

So anyways.  There was a massive THING involving Bruno Mars, Sting, Rihanna, and Ziggy and Damian Marley.  First of all, Bruno Mars is awesome.  Sting?  Don't even.  This little Bob Marley tribute was pretty damn cool.  

So one more word here - what's going on under that top?  Does she have underboob tattoos?  That's yucky. I wasn't sure if I should count this as a Fleshy Under Curve.  I am sure the phrase "underboob tattoo" should not exist and is way worse that "fleshy under curves."

But other than that, I thought this performance had great energy, and I really liked it.

HEY.  Jack White left his subterranean windowless recording studio long enough to make an appearance.

Did he ever!

I love this.  The girl-band thing has been his favourite gimmick with this record.  Ever notice Jack really likes female musicians?  

After his edgy and moody number with the ladies, he walked across the stage and did THIS.

And I sat there with a rapturous grin on my face as Jack White tore up and blood and guts performance.  

Plus, and call me shallow if you must, but you know I love clothes despite spending six months of every year wearing mostly coveralls, I adore what he's wearing -- are those eyes all over his jacket??? -- and also that he seems to have matched his Telecaster to his outfit, or vice versa, and dude, that is just plain classy.  

Jack White is awesome, people.  

Carrie Underwood wore a movie screen!!!!

Just when I was digging the song she was singing about how the wind in Oklahoma gets so strong it'll rip the nails right outta the planks and blow down your barn and your life and your marriage -- if I'm allowed to read into it metaphorically, that is -- her dress took on a life of its own.  It made her look like she had 8 foot long legs.  Gotta get me one of those.

Awww look at the cute British Hillbillies!!

Somebody asked Kelly Clarkson to show everybody else how to sing and she replied, "Sure, okay!" And did what she does.

Damn that cute white girl can sing.

Keep in mind, we have this little game where we guess who's singing live and who's taped.  Jethro always wins.  I assume he wins.  How would I know, though, really?  I'm not even sure anybody's in tune.  

Prince showed up to present an award and basically taught a short concise course on how to be cool.  He just IS.  He isn't trying.  He doesn't have to anymore.  I don't know why he has a cane or wore shades indoors.  He's Prince; he can wear purple stiletto heeled boots and a jacket made of feathers and eyelashes and nobody bats an eye.

These two youngsters were like, "Yeah yeah Grammy whatevs nice WE GOT AN AWARD FROM PRINCE!!!!! DUDE THAT'S PRINCE!!!"

I found Gotye and Kimbra to be quite delightful.  They're enjoying this moment so much and rightfully so since that song was a monster hit.

Now I'm going to say it: I love this dress.  Don't start on me -- I know it's ridiculous.  But it's fun!  She is cute in it and clearly enjoying the heck out of wearing something silly and frivolous.  She picked the right place to wear it.  And she is wearing the heck out of it.  

And as a bonus, no Fleshy Under Curves!  All things needing to be covered are covered!  The girl's a GENIUS.  

I don't know what to say about this:

I change my mind constantly.  But Adele gets a free pass just on account of being awesome.  I think she looks prettier than last year, because I didn't like the blonde hair and harsh makeup on her.  She's gorgeous; no need to mess with what she's got.  Also- phenomenal singer.  End of story.

Hey, help me out here: DID ANYBODY UNDERSTAND THIS?  I did not understand this.

Am I not hip/ cool/ smart enough to get it?  

Well, good thing I have Jack White. 

Yet still no Johnny.  

Then Tom Morello was on stage and I was happy despite not ever really understanding hip hop, other than "No Sleep Till Brooklyn."

Turns out we did miss a few things that I may or may not have cared about.  I care about this for one main reason:

I might take up a new career teaching people how to wear hats, because this girl is wearing her hat WRONG and it bugs me.  That is all.  

Kelly Osbourne.  

Just because.

ALRIGHT.  Yes I did miss Johnny.

I have a feeling I didn't actually miss much, judging by how the pix I found (and if anybody knows how to get them and give credit where it's due please tell me) he's standing in the same position except for his microphone arm.  It looks like he came out, one hand in his pocket, smirk firmly in place, a few extra scarves hanging off him in case he comes across a few cold people needing help, and said a few words and split.  

The question would be, why Johnny, a movie star, would be at the Grammys.  The answer would be, BECAUSE HE ROCKS.

Maybe spending his breakup year sneaking onstage with all his musician friends had something to do with it.  Nah.  The place just needed desperately to be scuffed up a little.  Things were getting a bit to clean and respectable.  You show 'em, evil half twin!!!!

Besides, Johnny's been saying Screw It to dress code rules forever.  

So here's the tally for Grammy 2013

Fleshy Under Curves - 4  (this phrase is now retired.  You're welcome.)

Fake Performances - either 3 or all of them depending on who you ask

Baffling Concept Performances - 2

Katy Perry - 2

Mention of Recording Engineers and Producers - 1.  WHOO HOO RECOGNITION!

DVR mishaps - 1.  I'll be okay.

Jack White and Johnny Depp in the same building - &%$$&*%%*%##^*(^&%$#

I've got just enough time to recover and go into training to prepare for the Oscars....!