2013 HICK CHIC GRAMMY REPORT!!! Shockingly unshocking fun!

I can promise you that after the Grammys, every year, all the critics, of both the perfeshnul and armchair variety, will be saying that the awards were all wrong, every performance was lip-synched, and the whole thing is out of touch with real music fans.  To which I say, blah blah blah.  We only get to watch; it's really about all those people you're looking at and listening to (and a few you're not even aware of) getting together and celebrating one more year of the bare existence of the music industry! So on that cheerful note, here's your REAL Grammy report, the only one that really matters, here on HICK CHIC!

So, I came in from the barn and we fired up the DVR (PVR? VCR killer??) and what's the first thing we see?   A tricycle with a flame thrower?  COOL!  Crazy circus Alice in Wonderland feathers and... Taylor Swift??!!????  

Well, I wasn't expecting that.  I guess that's good? Should I be concerned about the symbolic guy strapped to the knife throwing target there?

We were watching with my mom.  Here's the thing about my mom: she's not a big country music fan and she is NOT a fan of Never Ever Ever No Seriously Like Ever Ever Never Like Ever Never Forever Never Getting Back Together Like Ever Never For Real Like Ever.  Actually her exact words were, "Oh GAWD!" and she hit the mute button so hard the remote skidded across the room while the rest of us laughed our heads off.

But then - the DVR quit!  WAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!  There's a big gap in my Grammy watching!!!!!

WHO DID I MISS?????

Okay, everybody STAY CALM!!!!!  We can handle this!  We have Etalk and the Googlenets!  Just reprogram it and keep watching!  Remain calm!  (Did I miss Johnny??????)

After that we were treated to a puzzling performance from Justin Timberlake.  I didn't get it.  I know, you're thinking, what's not to get.  I just didn't get it.  I didn't like the fake sepia that went to broadcast, and I didn't get the song, and I just didn't dig it.  Sorry, JT. You're great and all.

But I don't really understand the role of Jay Z in music, other than his wife being really awesome and he at least smiles when he's with her, which is nice. 

I would like to say publicly that I love Dave Grohl.  DAAAAAAAAVE GRO-OHHHHHHHL!  He made a point of sending out some love to the engineers and producers in this business.  Thank you, Dave.  Thank you.  Then he handed a trophy to Dan Auerbach.

Happeeeee!

The Black Keys are awesome.  They wore their formal black leather jackets to the show.  Nice.

Then they got on stage and put on this crazeee performance with the Preservation Hall Jazz Band (I'm not even going to pretend to be enough of a hipster to know anything about them) and it was loud and messy and fun!  Check out this feller's feather costume thing.  I don't know.  But I like it. 

They're awesome.  

Dave Grohl overhead- clapped for them.

Right about here I wondered if I missed the Johnny Depp appearance.

Now let's take a break to discuss The Dress Code.  

Although phrases like "bare fleshy under curves" made me snicker, the part about covering the private parts had me rolling my eyes and saying DUH.  Should we even have to specify this? Things were getting a little out of control.  I figured just asking Gaga to stay home would solve the problem.

I was so excited about this.  Couldn't wait to see what showed up.  We're dealing with rock stars and general exhibitionists.  They are in general flaunting all of those written and unwritten rules of propriety.  For a living.  

Anyways, the most shocking part was not the indecent outfits, or the brazen defiance of the rules, but rather how well everybody behaved.  

Good ol Katy Perry wasn't about to let a dress code stop her from showing off what God gave her.  

"What?  I bought this dress months ago.  Back when FLESHY UNDER CURVES were still okay."

I first wrote FLASHY under curves which is really more accurate.  Also Flashy side curves.  

I'm just going to say it: she looks so good in that dress it's ridiculous.  You're looking too.  I know you are.  Everybody is.  

Yeah that's right Ellen, we're all thinking it!

Alicia Keys inspired me to keep track of all the dress code infractions: technically not bare, but definitely fleshy.  

Why do I have such mixed feelings about her?  She's gorgeous and talented.  She also sings flat all the time.  Well apparently her singing is the only thing about her that's flat.  Baboomchhhhhh.

Actually what bugged me the most was the way she got up to do her big drum thing, which may or may not have been real, and started off her performance with her same old, "Unh.... c'mon..." and I groaned.  Stop sounding like a thug!  Oh well.  I don't truthfully know if she's always flat.  She doesn't sound right to me, but my sense of pitch isn't great.  Jethro and the kids are always screaming about flat or sharp.  Maybe, maybe Alicia Keys is SO COOL that she just can't be bothered to bust a sweat getting up to the right note.  Maybe, she's too busy writing songs and having a great booty and raising a child, and being the Creative Inspiration Of Worldwide Imaginative Smartphone Creativity.  Maybe she doesn't have to sing in tune because she recently invented a way to hit two drums long enough to train them how to hit themselves.  Maybe she is MAGIC.  

Aaaaand speaking of magical curves.  You are all dying to see what Rihanna dragged out.

WOW.  Gorgeous.  Surprisingly decent.  Beautiful.  

Speaking of what she's dragging around with her?

I can't, I just can't,  because I will rant about this but they're not my friends and aren't asking for my advice, so all I want to say is, DUH. Let me repeat that: DUH.

Well, bad decision making aside, the girl is a brilliant performer.  

I have completely forgotten who she performed with.  She was so intense.  

The full-on Angelina treatment worked really well for her.  

Such a simple, elegant dress.  Well done.  

Aaaaaand speaking of the full-on Angelina...

Well now I think we can all agree that this look has become timeless, right?

But if it gets to the point that everybody's doing that look, and even some hick from Punkeydoodles is working the one leg out of the side slit thing, I can't help but wonder if it's totally jumped the shark and just isn't cool anymore, y'know?  Except what am I saying?  If it's good enough for Angelina and JLo it's good enough for anybody right?

So anyways.  There was a massive THING involving Bruno Mars, Sting, Rihanna, and Ziggy and Damian Marley.  First of all, Bruno Mars is awesome.  Sting?  Don't even.  This little Bob Marley tribute was pretty damn cool.  

So one more word here - what's going on under that top?  Does she have underboob tattoos?  That's yucky. I wasn't sure if I should count this as a Fleshy Under Curve.  I am sure the phrase "underboob tattoo" should not exist and is way worse that "fleshy under curves."

But other than that, I thought this performance had great energy, and I really liked it.

HEY.  Jack White left his subterranean windowless recording studio long enough to make an appearance.

Did he ever!

I love this.  The girl-band thing has been his favourite gimmick with this record.  Ever notice Jack really likes female musicians?  

After his edgy and moody number with the ladies, he walked across the stage and did THIS.

And I sat there with a rapturous grin on my face as Jack White tore up and blood and guts performance.  

Plus, and call me shallow if you must, but you know I love clothes despite spending six months of every year wearing mostly coveralls, I adore what he's wearing -- are those eyes all over his jacket??? -- and also that he seems to have matched his Telecaster to his outfit, or vice versa, and dude, that is just plain classy.  

Jack White is awesome, people.  

Carrie Underwood wore a movie screen!!!!

Just when I was digging the song she was singing about how the wind in Oklahoma gets so strong it'll rip the nails right outta the planks and blow down your barn and your life and your marriage -- if I'm allowed to read into it metaphorically, that is -- her dress took on a life of its own.  It made her look like she had 8 foot long legs.  Gotta get me one of those.

Awww look at the cute British Hillbillies!!

Somebody asked Kelly Clarkson to show everybody else how to sing and she replied, "Sure, okay!" And did what she does.

Damn that cute white girl can sing.

Keep in mind, we have this little game where we guess who's singing live and who's taped.  Jethro always wins.  I assume he wins.  How would I know, though, really?  I'm not even sure anybody's in tune.  

Prince showed up to present an award and basically taught a short concise course on how to be cool.  He just IS.  He isn't trying.  He doesn't have to anymore.  I don't know why he has a cane or wore shades indoors.  He's Prince; he can wear purple stiletto heeled boots and a jacket made of feathers and eyelashes and nobody bats an eye.

These two youngsters were like, "Yeah yeah Grammy whatevs nice WE GOT AN AWARD FROM PRINCE!!!!! DUDE THAT'S PRINCE!!!"

I found Gotye and Kimbra to be quite delightful.  They're enjoying this moment so much and rightfully so since that song was a monster hit.

Now I'm going to say it: I love this dress.  Don't start on me -- I know it's ridiculous.  But it's fun!  She is cute in it and clearly enjoying the heck out of wearing something silly and frivolous.  She picked the right place to wear it.  And she is wearing the heck out of it.  

And as a bonus, no Fleshy Under Curves!  All things needing to be covered are covered!  The girl's a GENIUS.  

I don't know what to say about this:

I change my mind constantly.  But Adele gets a free pass just on account of being awesome.  I think she looks prettier than last year, because I didn't like the blonde hair and harsh makeup on her.  She's gorgeous; no need to mess with what she's got.  Also- phenomenal singer.  End of story.

Hey, help me out here: DID ANYBODY UNDERSTAND THIS?  I did not understand this.

Am I not hip/ cool/ smart enough to get it?  

Well, good thing I have Jack White. 

Yet still no Johnny.  

Then Tom Morello was on stage and I was happy despite not ever really understanding hip hop, other than "No Sleep Till Brooklyn."

Turns out we did miss a few things that I may or may not have cared about.  I care about this for one main reason:

I might take up a new career teaching people how to wear hats, because this girl is wearing her hat WRONG and it bugs me.  That is all.  

Kelly Osbourne.  

Just because.

ALRIGHT.  Yes I did miss Johnny.

I have a feeling I didn't actually miss much, judging by how the pix I found (and if anybody knows how to get them and give credit where it's due please tell me) he's standing in the same position except for his microphone arm.  It looks like he came out, one hand in his pocket, smirk firmly in place, a few extra scarves hanging off him in case he comes across a few cold people needing help, and said a few words and split.  

The question would be, why Johnny, a movie star, would be at the Grammys.  The answer would be, BECAUSE HE ROCKS.

Maybe spending his breakup year sneaking onstage with all his musician friends had something to do with it.  Nah.  The place just needed desperately to be scuffed up a little.  Things were getting a bit to clean and respectable.  You show 'em, evil half twin!!!!

Besides, Johnny's been saying Screw It to dress code rules forever.  

So here's the tally for Grammy 2013

Fleshy Under Curves - 4  (this phrase is now retired.  You're welcome.)

Fake Performances - either 3 or all of them depending on who you ask

Baffling Concept Performances - 2

Katy Perry - 2

Mention of Recording Engineers and Producers - 1.  WHOO HOO RECOGNITION!

DVR mishaps - 1.  I'll be okay.

Jack White and Johnny Depp in the same building - &%$$&*%%*%##^*(^&%$#

I've got just enough time to recover and go into training to prepare for the Oscars....!

It's not that I'm on a mission to convert English riders to Western, it's just that....

...when they come over to my place to try Western riding, they like it and they come back!

I am careful not to speak disrespectfully of English riding.  I do respect it. When done right, it's an art form, full of tradition and elegance.  Done wrong - and yes, it can be done wrong - it's a mess of tight reins and grippy knees and snobbery all wrapped neatly in the guise of propriety.

Western riding at its worst is all flapping arms and jerking reins, horse heads flipped up sky high with mouths open to get away from ridiculously harsh bits, and yee-haw and yahoo.

At it's best however, Western is just as much of an art and science. (In fact in my opinion, even more so.)  Western horses learn to collect themselves without constant contact on the reins.  They can be sped up or slowed in each gait, steered with one hand, and move sideways, back, and pivot in circles.  They move along with the lightest cue possible. They can stop with a lift of the reins and a shift of the rider's weight.

Around here in my neck of the woods, English is more common.  This isn't really cowboy country.  Generally, if people want their kids to learn how to ride, they look up a local reputable stable and sign up for lessons - and the majority of the stables are exclusively English.  Then, there are a handful of rural families who keep a few horses and have western saddles to put on them.  Some of those are heaving the saddles onto the horses and hanging on for dear life; others are actually riding western.  There is good and bad in both disciplines.

I believe that good riding is good riding, no matter what tack you're using or what you're wearing.

The fundamentals are the same!  Sit up straight, get your legs under you, use those legs to move the horse.  Soft hands; don't pull on the horse's mouth.

I love English riders.  They have beautiful posture and great balance.  They have a hard time at first with long stirrups and loose reins, but my job is to help them get comfortable and really use their seat and weight.  It's a whole new world.

Above all, people learning how to ride their horses fairly and kindly - and enjoying their horses - that's really what it's all about. (I love my job so much!)

What the HECK Johnny! How much more can we take???!!!

He did it AGAIN.  He showed up at an award show gig on the stage unannounced playing guitar like a rockstar and I'm not there.

Okay I'm not mad.  And if I was I could never stay mad.


This gig wasn't with the pale strange creepy friend.  (I'm sure he's very interesting and cool in real life, right?  I mean, Johnny wouldn't hang around with boring/ nasty people, would he?)

This time he got on stage with THE BLACK KEYS for crying out loud!  The really awesome cool band that I took way too long to discover?  THEM.

Dude.  

If you live long enough to be a grown up, and you get very good at a thing that you can get paid to do, and you look for interesting people to get to know, you can do stuff like this.

Plus you could then call yourself an actor/writer/producer/musician/director.  

IF you feel it important to hang a title on yourself.

But seriously, he's been a pirate and a vampire and he's done the Native American thing, and he's a part time surprise rock star, but if he ever plays a cowboy I am finished.

The TelePrompter doesn't lie: The truth about Awards Shows

After any awards show, there will always be a few disgruntled journalists bitching and complaining about how a) lame, b) irrelevant or c) self-indulgent the whole exercise was.  They might also throw in boring, desperate, lightweight, old and frumpy, and whatever description best illustrates how stupid the whole thing is and how the writer, who is obviously way smarter and hipper than you, knows how lame it was and you can take their word for it.

Well, this goes very closely alongside what I've been saying about awards for years: most people think it's pretty dumb until someone they know wins one of those awards.  Then holy smokes, it is the coolest thing in the world and they're going around telling everybody who'll listen that they KNOW somebody who won a (insert name of award here)!!!


The problem is that few of us actually know what goes on, and how the whole system works.  We don't know if we're not in on it.  And do we average people actually care to know?  Most of the time we want to just watch, imagine how fabulous it all is, be wowed by the glamour.  Or, of course, not watch and go on with life, unimpeded by the silliness of it all.

Anyways, Jethro and I did our annual trek to the Juno Awards this past weekend.  You might be wondering why it's Wednesday afternoon and it's taking me this long to write about it.  Well, it's like this... I was partying like/ with/ in the same building as rockstars, and the two of us have a bad habit of not knowing when to quit.  We shut the party down.  Every time.  It's foolish.  But it's what we do.  At some point we look around, mostly sober, and go, "Oh hey... there's only us and five other people left.  Should we turn in for the night?" And by that time, being on Music Biz Time Zone, it's not night anymore.  It's four or five in the morning.  I usually wake up around five or six.  So let's just say, I need some recovery time.

Plus I have to debrief the kids as to who got fed and taken for walks and brushed and cleaned up after.

We figured we just wouldn't go this year, to avoid being parted with some money.  But this is a work trip.  Yeah it's fun, it's way fun, but it's about making and keeping those relationships with people who also make music for a living.

Besides, you'll work yourself to death in the music industry if you're not careful.  Go ahead and throw yourself a giant party once a year.  It's worth it.

So we filled up the tank with diesel, loaded up the back seat with snacks, stuck a few suitcases in the trunk, and went on a road trip.  Totally worth it.  Two albums he worked on won awards, and one of Our Guys (former protege) won the Juno for Engineer of the Year.  We wouldn't have wanted to miss that! In this business, if you're a colleague, there's a good chance you're a friend.  Gotta stick together.  

The televised awards concert is always fun.  I recommend it if you get a chance to get tickets.  You get to see all behind the scenes stuff, like the crew frantically tearing down and setting up stage sets during commercials.  You get to see the guy that pumps up the crowd before going back on the air. You'll probably experience real live Nickelback. We were on the opposite side of the arena and I am not exaggerating, we felt the heat from the pyro.  I had beads of sweat on my forehead.  Nickelback will literally melt your face.

Now here is where I bring this thing around to TelePrompters and bored hipster critics.

From where we were sitting, we weren't just in full view of the main stage.  We could also see the TelePrompter, right there in front of the secondary stage where all the presentations were made.  Names of the person speaking in red, words in white.  Difficult names spelled out phonetically to cut down the chances of mispronunciation.

I could read every word said off the screen.  It was all there.  Everything.  The newspapers and blogs were so quick to heap it on, without stopping to think that those words were carefully scripted last week.

It has to be that way.  It costs truckloads of money to produce a show like this.  Two hours of live broadcast with multiple performers and people running back and forth across the arena and up stairs, all those microphones and amps, all those cameras, directors at the back with a screen for each of those cameras...

You know, I'm a Nobody.  I'm just a chick married to a guy who slaves away in a room with a bunch of switches and dials and knobs and wires.  But I have paid enough attention to figure out that it's pretty darn easy to be critical when you can't be bothered to consider what it's really like in the industry you're ravaging verbally.  I don't expect everybody in general to know or care, but I'd think it'd be prudent for critics to actually know what they're critiquing.

And on that happy note, here are the standouts of the show according to me:

-Hedley.  Always, always, always, solid and awesome.

-Dallas Green aka City and Colour.  Oh my gosh, with just himself, a guitar and a pedal, he brings the house down.  I almost wept, he was so... stunning.

-Nickelback -- first act of the night, full of pyro and big fat power chords and yell-vocals freakin' fireworks.  (Even if you don't like them, you gotta hand it to them.)

-Feist.  She plays guitar, she sings, she's cool.  What more you want?

-Blue Rodeo.  Just because they are.

-Deadmau5, who closed the show.  It's not just because my favourite kind of mouse is a dead mouse.  It's not just that he wore his party mouse head.  It's not just because Lights sang (live, I add).  I don't get why I like what he does.  I don't even think I'd be able to pick something out and go, hey that's Deadmau5.  I just dug it right then and there and it was crazy fun stuff.

-Jian Ghomeshi is brilliant.  (look up his radio show on Youtube - he's interviewed all kinds of interesting people. Including Kermit the Frog.  Be sure to catch the Billy Bob meltdown.  Dude handled it!)

I like the Juno Awards.

Also... Bill Shatner collaborations anybody?  Nickelshat?  Oh yes.  Please yes.

So, yeah, I'm going to be in the same building as William Shatner.

IS MY LIFE CRAZY OR WHAT?!  Jethro and I are taking a little road trip this weekend.  We're going to get all cleaned up and spiffy and go to an event where people tell each other how great they look and give each other awards.

Yep, it's spring and that means the Canadian music business throws a party.  This year, the big telecast will be hosted by William Shatner.

Because he's Canadian, he's legendary, and has made some pretty darn swingin' records.

This is kind of a low pressure event for us this year.  Jethro did not get a nomination (he must have come in 6th, right?) so we get to enjoy a nice meal without the jitters and nerves of wondering if his name will be called.

I mean, it's not the Hunger Games or anything, it's just that it requires a speech or at least some small acknowledgement ...  something in which recording engineers generally don't excel.  If they were good at being looked at by large crowds, they'd be rock stars, literally, not just as a measurement of awesomeness.

We are going to cheer for nominees Jethro worked with, and we're going to relax.  We're just going to have fun and see all the other music biz folks we only see once a year.  Neither of us bought any new clothes or anything.

Oh, dressing up is so much fun!!!!

And I'll be shaking my head, again, that I grew up on a pig farm, and he grew up behind the feed mill, and we're partying with rock stars.  And by "with" I mean, "in the same building as."

Well we all come from somewhere right?

Oakie and I will now dispel all those myths about the legendary beauty of the horse...

WHAT'S IN HERE?  

Really, girl?  You know what's in there.  

And it's not fresh tasty hay.  

It's actually the opposite of that.  

But you don't care.  

The sun's shining and you're not even all that hungry.  It's snooze time.  The pressure is off.  You don't have to impress anybody, or be gorgeous and spirited, or even stay awake for that matter.  

Blah blah blah whatever.  Barbie's Dream Horse would never hang around looking like this. It's like Barbie's Dream Horse doesn't even exist.  

But look at how shiny your coat is, even in late winter.  Even after you've rolled in the dirty sand.

Aw heck, I give up.  Yer so pretty.