DANGIT AVRIL! Break up edition

Partly because I seem to have developed a weird obsession with Avril Lavigne (well why not? We're both Canadian, short, and have dyed our hair pink, I mean, we're much the same only slightly different degrees of annoying) and partly because I have a love/hate for Nickelback (well why not? You know you have rocked out in the car to a Nickelback song and hatefully loved about 2 minutes of it) and mostly because I haven't done a celebrity post in a looooong time… WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT CHAVRIL.

Oh my gosh, our very own evil-songwriting-genius Canadian version of Wills and Kate are breaking up.  I am not sure why this pains me so.  I don't know either of them personally.  I'm sure if I were ever to meet them it would be a perfectly pleasant exchange and at least two of the three of us would end up throwing the horns and possibly sticking out a tongue.  I would probably admit that I have never spent a penny on any of their recorded music. I am stupidly painfully honest and the mental filter doesn't always kick in on time to stop the words here. I really can't describe why as a couple they delighted me so much.

Could it be because they're so Canadian they got married on July 1st?  

Or is it because we also got married on July 1st?  We're like, anniversary buddies, if that's a thing? 

I don't know why I care.  It just made sense, I suppose.  They're two people who can relate to each other's lives, if nothing else.  I'm convinced he has a patented HIT MACHINE in his basement, probably got the idea after a drunken evening holed up in Mutt Lange's secluded mansion discussing how to rule the world by creating music that will hypnotize the global masses - I may have a wild imagination but how else do you explain some things? - and I figured once Avril parked her own HIT MACHINE beside his, or if they used all the parts to build a new, bigger HIT MACHINE, they would be an unstoppable force of hoser culture.  We'd be having a mass stage tribute at the Juno awards every year.  This is a good thing or a bad thing, depending on who you are.  

He writes ear worm music; she writes ear worm music.  He writes for middle-aged dudes and rebellious housewives; she writes for middle-aged teenagers.  She plays guitar; he plays a giant honking sparkling guitar shaped belt buckle.  I like to joke about his spangly guitars and giant belt buckles.  She has been known to do crazy things to her hair…. he, thankfully, cut his off when they got together. Avril banished the Nickelbob and for that I will always be grateful. He's better looking with short hair. Maybe I liked them as a couple because he started to look a little bit like Nic Cage and I hoped that when "National Treasure 3" finally gets made, Chad could be the long lost little brother and they would have to set part of the movie in like, Canmore Alberta, and it would be magical.  I can dream, right?

But NOT ANYMORE because Chavril is done for.  

Let's look back on happier times, mostly for me to take the opportunity to do some of that Fun Imaginary Captioning I like to do sometimes!

AVRIL: Wow, I'm like, totally, like, dude this rock weighs like, as much as I do, dude!

CHAD: Awww she's so little and cute and pretty and ten years younger than me.  

AVRIL: We're totally getting married and s@$#!!!

CHAD: Yes I am going to marry the sk8trgrl.  We're going to have a house full of guitar strings and pages of carefully crafted cliches and incredibly loud children.  We'll have a studio in our barn and make all the hicks in the music industry jealous.  I'll be numb with happiness eh?  But badass rocking happiness! 

AVRIL: ROCK ON! HARDCORE! SPIKES AND METAL AND LEATHER AND S@$%!!!!

CHAD: I know, it's hilarious eh? She's so cute and yet so badass, eh?

AVRIL: NEWLYWED! And classy. I'm like, actually waving instead of throwing the horns, man. BLACK AND WHITE CLASSY NEWLYWED ROCK ON!

CHAD: Suit and tie badass, eh? Look at my classy punk badass WIFE eh?  Dude, I'm a badass rocking newlywed man husband!

HEIDI: Remember that time in 2013 when the Juno commercials were hitting TV and there was this one with Chad and Avril at home watching TV in bed, and then Michael Buble showed up?  Oh my gosh.  Bubles.  You are so charming and cute!!! Okay I haven't spent a dime on any of his recorded music either, I just think he should host everything ever aired on TV.  Good times.  Apparently Avril wears black eyeliner to bed.  Nice jammies, Avril.  Please stop stealing my clothes.  

AVRIL: Dude, you walk like, so slow, like.

CHAD: Um, okay, I'm just still confused, eh?  What do you call that?

AVRIL: It's like, cornrows, and s#@$.  

CHAD: Um…

AVRIL: Oh my gawd, like, you're being such a dad about it.

CHAD: numb with happiness, eh? 

AVRIL: Chad Chad Chad.  Come on.  Let's go.  Chad.  

CHAD: …a shave… under? Is that what that is?  

AVRIL: Come on, let's go do some shopping and s%$#.

CHAD: Being married is great, eh?

AVRIL: Chad Chad Chad.  

CHAD: Wait, don't we have enough black spiked napkin rings already?

AVRIL: SKULL AND CROSSBONES PLACEMATS! MATCHING TABLE RUNNER AND S%#@ ROCK ON DINING ROOM WHOOOO

AVRIL: After this like, sexy photo shoot, we're totally gonna like, go down to the basement, like to that special room, and we're gonna turn on the HIT MACHINE and invent some like, totally new ear worm music!  We like, OWN the charts, mwahahahalikehahaha!

CHAD: The Chavril will rule the world.  The Chavril will globally dominate.  Being married is great eh? 

AVRIL: I am like, totally a grown up now.  I have a grown up man husband.  I have grown up hair and now I wear, like, grown up black stuff.  I write grown up songs about never growing up. I put on my eyeliner like a grown up now.  Like it goes up at the corners instead of like all the way around.  GROWN UP ROCK ON PIANO SUIT AND TIE AND S$%# YEAH HELL YEAH!

CHAD: … So I'll just go turn on the Hit Machine, eh?

Awwww.  Somewhere between the wedding pictures and the carefully planned snapshots of Chad carrying Avril's shopping (seriously, who looks that photo-ready to go shopping?  But he's a nice guy - those bags have to be heavy, maybe you're a gentleman after all) and despite the beautifully lit publicity portraits, things went kinda sad.  The grin faded.  Maybe she didn't like his belt buckles and made him stop wearing them and that zapped his powers.  Maybe they're like the Samson and Delilah of belt buckles.  

Maybe we can't tell a darn thing from photos.  He just looks kinda sad.  Chad may be a lot of things but sad should never be one of them.  

Listen folks. I'm going to tell you a secret about being married.  It's a business.  You go to bed together and accidentally say something like, "Crap we have to pay the phone bill tomorrow" or if you're Jethro and Heidi, "Did that session get invoiced? I have to go to the feed mill tomorrow and I'll take it out of my bank account but can you pay for the oil change on your car out of the business account" or if you're Chad and Avril maybe it's "Which one of us is getting up tomorrow morning to open the door for the Hit Machine Lubricant Delivery guy and is that going on your credit card or mine?"

These two have been responsible for a huge amount of CanCon music over the last 15 years.  No pressure.  They are both songwriters and musicians and I respect that even if I'm not a big fan of their music. I wonder if Global Domination isn't good for a marriage.  

Not that it really matters to my life in any way, but I'm kind of sentimental, and I have a hope that when he goes over to return her best formal skeleton hoodie, she happens to have a roll of Hit Machine paper, and they blink at each other and realize that they are meant to be together and the result is a song called, "My Horns Won't Throw Without You."  And he can start smiling with his teeth showing again.  At the very least, it will keep the Nickelbob away.  

Dangit Avril! (part 5?)

Before I saw this picture, I was deciding which of the following topics I would next write about: gratitude, my horse's eye tumour (which is gone now), (the tumour, that is, the eye is fine!), what NOT to include in Horse For Sale ads, or some hilarious high fashion pictures.  Or maybe another post on how gnarly my truck is but I love it and whether that's good or bad.  But like I said, I saw THIS.

Chad & Avril.  

Chaddenavril

Avrilenchad.

Chavril, if you wish.

My new favourite celebrity couple.

(Not my favourite musicians necessarily, I just think they're pretty cute together and hope they have a long happy marriage with lots of arguments over where to put the swingset in the backyard and how much AutoTune is really too much and who left the mess of guitar strings ends all over the coffee table and whose turn it is to clean the toilet in the home studio which is IN A BARN (and Heidi is jealous) and eat dinner and watch the news and all is well.)

Now before we go any further, I think I'm stealing this picture, so in hopes of apology please go to the awesome site I took it from - Go Fug Yourself - because it's one of my favourites.  Go scroll around and click all the links just in case they get paid for that and the Girls can make a living looking at pictures of what the Famouses are wearing and write funny stuff about it.  In fact, read what they wrote about Chad and Avril because it's just great.  

So why did this picture change the course of my afternoon for half an hour, you might be wondering.

Okay.  

You know how in my own strange little world I've invented this whole scenario where Avril is secretly (totally, like) spying on me?  And keeps showing up wearing things I'd love to wear except that I only get to dress up once a year, which is a lot more than I would if I hadn't married the Canadian Music Industry?  Because otherwise I'd be in barn boots every day?  And I haven't dyed my hair pink in about four years but I delusionally insist that she got the idea from me??????

Okay, people?  That outfit there?

SHE'S WEARING PLAID.  

If it's FLANNEL then we know FOR SURE.  

DANGIT AVRIL -- The Wedding Edition

I got a text from my Pal Al today saying, "see your twin got married on the weekend"

To which I responded, "Yeah on my anniversary!  Didn't I tell you she always steals my ideas !!!"

At least in this wedding she isn't wearing a white dress with white cowboy boots, and carry white roses with three little red roses stuck in there.  Way to get your own ideas Avril, finally, geez (eye roll.)  In a bold statement of her dedication to always looking like she got smacked with the Mall Goth Stick (I'm pretty sure that's a real thing) she got married in all black, including the black lipstick around her eyes.

They both look slightly smacked -- maybe the flash was too bright.

Actually I think this is kind of fun!  I love black.  It is very formal and classy and looks good on everybody.  Can't go wrong.  

But people, listen.  This is serious.  The Chavril anniversary will from here on be the same as the Heidi and Jethro anniversary.  And they must be just as thick skulled and forgetful as we are because they basically chose the date for the same reasons we did, which are...

1. This is the date on which they started dating
2. this way they will always remember their anniversary date - it's so easy!

And of course, we can all fool ourselves into thinking that our wedding anniversary is A NATIONAL HOLIDAY EVERYBODY CELEBRATE OUR ETERNAL LOVE WITH RED AND WHITE FLAGS AND FIREWORKS WHOOOOOO HOO!!!

Well I'm happy for those crazy kids. They're one of those "forehead slap couples"; at first it's stunning but then it's stunningly obvious.  I've become fond of the Chavril and I hope this sticks together. July 1st has been a good date for us, and we've been at the very least acknowledging it with a "Hey still glad I married ya" for TWENTY TWO YEARS! I honestly hope theirs is a long and happy marriage, filled with all a good marriage has to offer: love, acceptance, productive arguments resulting in understandings, compromises on which way the shoes should be placed on the rug inside the door, where the best place is to locate the swingset in the backyard, and which guitar take is best for that particular song.  And that a horse is the best guy to hang around with if not with the husband.  Oh wait I guess they don't have that problem.  Unless Chad decides his recording studio in a barn needs a horse.  Seriously his studio was a horse barn.    I want that.  And then another little barn for the actual horses.  

But I digress.

So she's short and has been known to dress weird and now got married the same day I did.  I am constantly alternating my opinion of her between "she is so cute" and "she is so irritating" which is likely very similar to what many people think of me!  

If she starts wearing cut off "Farm Girl Brand" shorts with red topped socks and old purple roper boots then we will KNOW she's been spying on me...

Need some distraction from the DIY detox recovery. Have some MMVA. (lots of pix & linx and things)

It's taken me four days to write this.  It's almost Friday and you know we like some Johnny on a Friday.

Ahhh.  Okay.

So folks, although I'm still spending my time sweating it all out and sleeping it off, I'm slowly getting better.  I'm feeling better enough to start getting impatient.  I'm starting to look forward to living again.  Hey.  Did you know I used to actually go outside?  As soon as everything's less loud and shocky I intend to be out there again.

But hey! I can now look at a computer or read for a while before my eyeballs get all prickly.  Can't watch TV yet.  Tried to watch So Ya Think Ya Dance Good Do Ya and wow.  Flashy!  Shocky!  Ow!! SO happy I can read and type without getting all shocky and shooty, because while I was lying here in a dark room clenching my jaw in agony I occupied my mind by inventing stories and now, I gotta write 'em all down!!!!

I didn't watch the MMVAs on Sunday night.  I stopped caring.  It was my second time  I'd left the house in almost three weeks and I was worn out.  I didn't want to look at anything by evening.  That's what INTERMITTENT NET is for.  Why don't I just do a little commentary on a show I didn't watch, I mean, why not, chances are good you didn't watch it either?!

PICTURES: They came from the MuchMusic website, a couple of Canadian national newspaper sites, and my favourite - GO FUG YOURSELF.  In fact for a complete and funny commentary just go read Heather's take on it.  I snickered.  She totally did the Carpet-and-drapes joke I was gonna make.

First, I'd like to start with something I should just make a regular feature here at Hick Chic called DANGIT AVRIL!  Gah.  I tried to be all disdainful of the gum-chewing wise-cracking punk princess pink hair thing.  (Yeah the pink hair thing was totally my idea first.) I'm kind of neutral about her music but I give her credit for writing it herself, being able to play guitar and for **singing live** so basically what I'm saying is,

DANGIT AVRIL you won me over again, again.

SHE'S JUST SO DARN CUTE!

How can I stay irritated with that smile?  

I am irritated with one of the intermittent net news sites which claimed that Avril arrived in a lime green Camaro SS.  FOREHEAD SLAP.  First of all, I don't know where this is called lime.  This is classic Generous Motors Early 70s Slime green.  Duh!

Second, THAT IS NOT A CAMARO.  Duh much?  Clearly by the shape of the door and quarter window it is a Chevelle or Malibu.   Isn't it obvious by the double headlights that this is a Chevelle?  Did the Camaro have double headlights in the early 70s?  No it did not.  Just duh.  Non-car people should CHECK THEIR FACTS.  So frustrating!

See now my eyeballs really hurt.  Break time.

Okay I'm back.

Sadly, Avril's outfit is also visually uncomfortable.

Dangit, Avril!

So the host of this little shindig was a totally adorable young lady who I have only heard of because she's got this boyfriend who grew up around my neck of the woods meaning that even more than the rest of the planet there is no escaping the Biebs out here in farm country I'm not even kidding.

 I'm not up on what her thing is or if she's good at the thing she does.  I just know she's really cute...

...and because I am the mother of a 17 year old girl, I want ask this 18 year old girl, "Have you been eating well sweetie?  Are you getting enough sleep?"  Especially since it was all over the news that she'd been hospitalized the week before.  Well no wonder, the way she's been zigzagging all over North America.  The noise in Stratford alone a couple weeks ago would be enough to bust her head.

Anyways, Famous Boyfriend was supposedly not going to be there.  Yeah right.

This picture cracks me up.  He's all, Dude! Check out the hot chick with the high-waisted jeans on my T shirt!  It's VINTAGE! She's gotta be like, THIRTY-FIVE or something now!!!  Yeah baby!

Is that Tiffani Theissen?  I always wondered if she was of the Manitoba Mennonite Thiessens.  

But whatevs, Biebs.  I was onto that like, thirty years ago.  When your mom was a baby.  Cuz Dude, I had A SHAUN CASSIDY T SHIRT.  

It was just like that but in royal blue and I think my auntie gave it to me.  I know she gave me the Hooked On Horses T shirt.  Anyways, my Shaun Cassidy shirt totally erases his shirt.  Just does.  

This picture of The Gombiebs makes me snicker.  Look at the little horndog's face.  Oh yeah, just lean over juuuuust like that, in your dangerous little halter top, uh huh.  Teenage boys are so sneaky that way.   Yeah it's normal and all, but watch where ya put that hand there, hotshot.

Well I do think they're a nice little couple.  In their line of work they can understand each other. 

And I'd keep going if I could turn this computer screen down a little but it won't go any dimmer so it's time for another eyeball break.  

Aaaand I'm back.  At least I can type now without electric shocks going up and down my arms!!!

Enough sugar coating.  TIME TO ROCK.

BILLY TALENT.

 I love these guys.  

Tell me, worldwide friends, are you aware of this band?  If not, go check them out !  We've seen them live a couple times and man, what a show!  They are a scream and a half live!!!   

Love the tunes, love the playing, love the lyrics.  

And by the way, Billy Talent is the BAND.  The frantically hot little front man is not Billy.  Billy Talent is a band not a guy. Very good band with four very good guys.

I got distracted looking up their videos ("Surrender" is a particularly good one). And now I need another eyeball break.

Okay it's tomorrow morning now.  I'm back in bed to sleep it off and sweat it out and YAY my nice dim screen isn't as hurty as it was yesterday!

More rock star.  City and Colour.  Dallas Green is like a hero to me.  In our family we have a habit of listening to his music, whether it's this band or Alexisonfire, and sighing, "That man has got the voice of an angel."  And a great songwriter too. Honestly I think he's a national treasure. 

I really wish I would have said HI (or something less dumb or anything) to him when we were in the same elevator in 2007.  But I was talking with a friend so I just settled for a weird eye thing that kind of went like, "Um I totally know who you are and I think you're awesome but I'm talking to my friend right now so instead I'm shooting admiration vibes at you" and "I'm not sure if I should know you but I might have seen you before? and the skulls on your dress are kinda neat."

I'd heard that Johnny Galecki would be there.  The Big Bang Theory is the #1 show in Canada so it makes sense that he'd show up. But it was he himself, not Dr Leonard Hofstadter.  But y'know, I kind of think he looks a little bit like Keanu in this picture.  Kinda cute.  And I love Leonard.  

Not sure what's going on here but the girls behind him don't really care cuz he's not Gombiebs.

Also in attendance: Colin Farrell.  He always looks slightly perplexed.  I think it's those terribly expressive eyebrows.  

Apparently he's in town shooting a movie.  He looks like he just woke up on a red carpet but it's a music thing not an acting thing and he's not sure if he should be okay with it or sneak out the back when nobody's looking.  One of the news sites reporting that when asked, he couldn't name a Canadian band.  If this is true, what?!  It's not so hard... Canada is basically a big Musician Farm.  Entertainment is our big import.  Second biggest city in Canada is Los Angeles.  Come on, can't name a Canadian band?  What about mono-monikered divas?  This isn't so hard!

But Colin looks good in denim and I'm shallow that way about dudes, so, okay.

Worn out.  Nap time.  

It's today afternoon now.  Here I am.  

So.  Gaga.  

It must be said... this time out she really, really shocked me.  SHE WORE STUFF THAT RESEMBLED CLOTHES AND SHE WAS COVERED.  Mostly.

Also she wore a suit of black feathers.  Cool!!!!

I might have to start a new feature called DARNIT GAGA.

For now, let's do something I call WHAT THE HECK DOES SHE ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE?!

She was up to her usual shenanigans when she showed up the day before for soundcheck looking like THIS. (for soundcheck.  The one time you'd get to show up in track pants.) (but this is an outdoor gig and y'know... there could be cameras, so...).  

We expect this kind of crap by now.  Big giant Whatevs.  Except for two things.  One, as I am a big advocate for Backside Pride, I gotta point out that her bottom appears to be rather upright.  And two, without the stupid get-up I might not have recognized her, because I think she kinda looks like Dita Von Teese.

Anybody else see it?  But I doubt either of them look like that on couch-magnet-TV night.

I've seen this pattern on splint boots at the local tack shop.  Guaranteed to look good an any horse.  

Come to think of it, that pattern might be a little too busy on a spotted Appaloosa.  Or attention-grabbing diva.

The wig trunk alone must have been huge just for this gig.  She had to have at least three.  

Just to make sure we don't forget who she is, Gaga pulled a little strip show which launched thousands of carpet and drapes jokes.  

I know - EW.  But also,  HAHAHA!  We are so freaked out by body hair!  Even fake stuff!  Hahaha! And also, Ew!

She reminds me here of a combination of Madonna and Alanis Morrisette at the Junos a few years back with the bathrobe & bodysuit stunt.

"We are living in an surreal-ial world..."

haha.

That wig is fantastic.  I want one in pink.  

Seriously.  WHAT THE HECK DOES SHE REALLY LOOK LIKE?????  

Man, I would rather not devote this much time to her - it's like rewarding a tantrum-throwing child in a store by getting all flustered and making an even bigger public spectacle then buying the kid the junkfoodtoything just to make the noise stop - but hey, she really worked for it. She puts effort into grabbing all the publicity she possibly can.

However she exhausts me on a good day.

Break time.

Okay. I didn't sleep but I closed my eyes.  It was nice.

I made the most wonderful discovery as I looked for pictures and news from the event... I saw a picture of four delightfully curly haired denim wearing bearded hoser dudes and thought, heh, I'd invite them over to play a show on my hay wagon.  (I mean as in, the hay wagon is the stage.  For those Imaginary Gigs I can throw now that I have a hay wagon.  Didn't mean it as a desperate and vague euphemism okay!)  The caption simply said, "The Sheepdogs."

Well, I says to myself, any band calling themselves the Sheepdogs has to be okay.  And nothing bad ever came out of Saskatchewan right?

Being pretty much holed up in my bedroom, I have time to do some digging around.  I searched the name thinking, "please be awesome, please be awesome! Don't lame out and disappoint me!  Please be awesome!"



HOLY CRAP I THINK I JUST FOUND MY NEW FAVOURITE BAND!  

This is what I thought  Kings Of Leon would sound like when I first saw their picture.  These guys aren't pin-up purty, but they have something better ....THREE PART HARMONY!  Southern Rock from the Great White Prairies?  Oh heck yes!!!

How did this get past me???  These guys have been doing this thing for at least four years... (we were IN SASKATOON four years ago for a big music event...) and here they're in a contest to be on the cover of Rolling Stone?!?!  What the heck - I was only knocked out on anti-depressant withdrawal for like, three weeks?!!!  I almost didn't catch this????


Once I can actually do a whole blog post without taking naps or shaking, I'll tell you all about another cool discovery I made before things went totally sideways here.  It involves Finnish trolls and Bob Dylan!

And I'm spent.  I need a drink of water and then I need to like, write a whole novel.  Nothing like an easy slow recovery eh?  Ha. 

Dangit Avril! I was gonna wear that to the Junos!

First she steals my pink hair idea and now this.  Geez.

It's like she's spying on me or something.  If she ever starts wearing horse hair, we'll have proof!

Go read about the Oscars, even though they happened ages ago!

Here I am now, entertain me...

Well I had to pick up a copy of People this week. I had to, because Sandra Bullock is going to let us in on the Secrets of a Happy Marriage!
I haven't even read it yet. I got too hung up on the other stuff, including that defective beer bottle. It emptied too fast. I had another one a few hours later and it emptied too fast. Pretty tasty stuff. I digress.

First of all, Oprah says she's not gay. I don't care, Oprah. Be gay, be straight, as long as you are Living Your Best Life, (TM) and most of all as long as some day you discover my novel and plug it on your show as the Best Coming of Age Novel You've Ever Read, and despite all of the swear words, and sex scenes, and heavy drinking and drug use and Jesus, yes, Jesus, you declare publicly that Everybody Should Read This Book Because Oprah Says So, and I appear on your show and act like just in the last few hours you and I have developed a strong new friendship, like we've been buds for you know, years...causing thousands of people to buy my book and read it. That's really all I care about.

Second, Christie Brinkley . What the hell was she thinking, marrying this guy? He is clearly evil. I mean look at him. All coiffed and blow dried and fake tanned. Obviously guys like this are trouble. Wasn't it always the preppies who showed up at the party, smiled smugly as they smoked everybody's weed, then drove off in Dad's Buick Regatta with not a speck of dirt? Never caught, never punished. Teflon. Teacher's pet. Black hearted and evil to the core. I could have said at first glance that this guy would cheat on his wife with his teenage "assistant." Yeesh. Ick.

Then, Avril. Remember the old undershirt, tie and Converse combo? That's over, kids. She's all growed up now and has a Ford Models contract. She married her little rock star and they will have tiny tiny children with squeaky voices and great pitch. But there's something about the photo on the cover here that disturbed me. What is it? What? Who does she remind me of now????



I don't know what this means. Dakota Fanning plays the young Avril in Avril: The Movie? Does anybody else find this disturbing? Is it nothing?

Well I'm spent. I've successfully proven to myself once again that famous people make me look somewhat sane.


Oh! I almost forgot. Speaking of sane. He's not very much and I love him for it. Look at this jacket. LOOK AT IT. I WOULD WEAR THAT. It's like slightly cowboy, in a Grand Ole Opry kind of way. It looks like something Bob Dylan would wear. Johnny is like a Bluegrass Cowboy Pirate.

Party with Rock Stars!!!

In two days I'll be in Halifax, Nova Scotia, for the Juno Awards. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm even getting my semi-annual haircut for the occasion. I also intend to re-pink my hair because it means that much to me.

About five years ago, a brilliant decision was made to move the show around every year. It's perfect, because this a rather large country by land mass, and scattered around this country are little scenes here and there, little pockets of music. Much to Toronto's shock, the world really doesn't revolve around it! We get lots of Toronto in our diet. We need to move the love around.

Here's a list of all the cities I've been in, mostly for weddings (Not counting driving through on an interstate)

-Toronto
-Ottawa
-Regina
-Winnipeg
-Calgary
-Chicago
-London England
-Cambridge, England
-Oxford England
-Cardiff Wales

I think that's it.

Our first time at the Junos would have been around 1989, when Jethro was a student of recording engineering, and his whole class got tickets. It was held in Toronto of course. We were there for the telecast and that was it. Out you go, show's over. This was the year made special by Milli Vanilli, who a l m o s t made it back to the mics by the time the taped vocals started. But we weren't supposed to see that.


This year's host: International Superstar Pamela Friggin Anderson. I really hope she restrains those flotation devices. I have mixed feelings about her. She's probably very warm and friendly in real life, and I've always suspected some real prettiness under the paint. I like her just because she is the only woman who could play Dolly Parton. Her love for animal rights is admirable if a little wack. (I think PETA are a bunch of idiots who think it's cruel to ride a horse. Duh.) That and she comes off like a real ditz, and the dumb blond act gets old very quickly. It is an act, isn't it...? How else do you achieve the International Superstar designation?

It is costing Jethro's business a truckload of cash for us to attend all three evenings of this little shindig. But, I whine, I've been a studio widow for 15 years. I wanna party, dammit. Last year I was all messed up on prescription meds but this year I'm feeling much better now, thank you.

Jethro is a Caras member now (Canadian Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences) which means he can vote on who gets what award. Allow me for a second to bitch about The Way Things Are Done. We went to the website to vote, but couldn't get the music player to actually play us some of the tunes we were trying to vote for. Lame, people. So we guessed. Mostly we voted for somebody who was not Nickelback.

As usual, those in charge of the categories have got their heads stuck in an orifice. No surprise there. Not that it really matters; we're just there to hand out business cards. It's a kid-and-dog-and cat-and barn chore-free weekend We can go see a few acts that we normally wouldn't get a chance to see. And party with rock stars. That's right, I will be partying IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH ROCK STARS!!!!

Don't bother looking for Jethro Thehick under engineer of the year. It's not his real name, silly! He didn't nominate himself. He has worked on four albums that are up for awards, but they aren't the ones he wants to get his recognish for. Next year...next year.

Here are some people who won't be there this year, leaving some room for everybody else. Geez.

As much as I think it's great that women dominated the awards for uh, ever, that's enough now girls. Let somebody else smile for the camera.




They're all really busy right now, like, talking about getting married (Alanis) practising curling their hair (Avril) hiding with reclusive family (Shania) and of course, Being Celine.






















And here is the kind of guy we love to give awards to. This was Sam Roberts in 04 but in general we love our scruffy rockers who look like they crawled out of the bush long enough to plug in an amp.

And I still don't get Arcade Fire, or any of those other "collectives" which I suspect is a result of being way too nice aobut things and promising all of your friends a spot in your band. I know, because this happens in our playroom with the neighbourhood kids about every five weekends or so. You don't want any of your friends to feel left out, so she gets to play the, uh, oh I know, the rainstick that I made in Grade three. Now you're in the band! It can't end well, this approach. How many vans do you need to get to the gig? And how the hell do you split up the $250 you get after the gig?????