DANGIT AVRIL! Break up edition

Partly because I seem to have developed a weird obsession with Avril Lavigne (well why not? We're both Canadian, short, and have dyed our hair pink, I mean, we're much the same only slightly different degrees of annoying) and partly because I have a love/hate for Nickelback (well why not? You know you have rocked out in the car to a Nickelback song and hatefully loved about 2 minutes of it) and mostly because I haven't done a celebrity post in a looooong time… WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT CHAVRIL.

Oh my gosh, our very own evil-songwriting-genius Canadian version of Wills and Kate are breaking up.  I am not sure why this pains me so.  I don't know either of them personally.  I'm sure if I were ever to meet them it would be a perfectly pleasant exchange and at least two of the three of us would end up throwing the horns and possibly sticking out a tongue.  I would probably admit that I have never spent a penny on any of their recorded music. I am stupidly painfully honest and the mental filter doesn't always kick in on time to stop the words here. I really can't describe why as a couple they delighted me so much.

Could it be because they're so Canadian they got married on July 1st?  

Or is it because we also got married on July 1st?  We're like, anniversary buddies, if that's a thing? 

I don't know why I care.  It just made sense, I suppose.  They're two people who can relate to each other's lives, if nothing else.  I'm convinced he has a patented HIT MACHINE in his basement, probably got the idea after a drunken evening holed up in Mutt Lange's secluded mansion discussing how to rule the world by creating music that will hypnotize the global masses - I may have a wild imagination but how else do you explain some things? - and I figured once Avril parked her own HIT MACHINE beside his, or if they used all the parts to build a new, bigger HIT MACHINE, they would be an unstoppable force of hoser culture.  We'd be having a mass stage tribute at the Juno awards every year.  This is a good thing or a bad thing, depending on who you are.  

He writes ear worm music; she writes ear worm music.  He writes for middle-aged dudes and rebellious housewives; she writes for middle-aged teenagers.  She plays guitar; he plays a giant honking sparkling guitar shaped belt buckle.  I like to joke about his spangly guitars and giant belt buckles.  She has been known to do crazy things to her hair…. he, thankfully, cut his off when they got together. Avril banished the Nickelbob and for that I will always be grateful. He's better looking with short hair. Maybe I liked them as a couple because he started to look a little bit like Nic Cage and I hoped that when "National Treasure 3" finally gets made, Chad could be the long lost little brother and they would have to set part of the movie in like, Canmore Alberta, and it would be magical.  I can dream, right?

But NOT ANYMORE because Chavril is done for.  

Let's look back on happier times, mostly for me to take the opportunity to do some of that Fun Imaginary Captioning I like to do sometimes!

AVRIL: Wow, I'm like, totally, like, dude this rock weighs like, as much as I do, dude!

CHAD: Awww she's so little and cute and pretty and ten years younger than me.  

AVRIL: We're totally getting married and s@$#!!!

CHAD: Yes I am going to marry the sk8trgrl.  We're going to have a house full of guitar strings and pages of carefully crafted cliches and incredibly loud children.  We'll have a studio in our barn and make all the hicks in the music industry jealous.  I'll be numb with happiness eh?  But badass rocking happiness! 

AVRIL: ROCK ON! HARDCORE! SPIKES AND METAL AND LEATHER AND S@$%!!!!

CHAD: I know, it's hilarious eh? She's so cute and yet so badass, eh?

AVRIL: NEWLYWED! And classy. I'm like, actually waving instead of throwing the horns, man. BLACK AND WHITE CLASSY NEWLYWED ROCK ON!

CHAD: Suit and tie badass, eh? Look at my classy punk badass WIFE eh?  Dude, I'm a badass rocking newlywed man husband!

HEIDI: Remember that time in 2013 when the Juno commercials were hitting TV and there was this one with Chad and Avril at home watching TV in bed, and then Michael Buble showed up?  Oh my gosh.  Bubles.  You are so charming and cute!!! Okay I haven't spent a dime on any of his recorded music either, I just think he should host everything ever aired on TV.  Good times.  Apparently Avril wears black eyeliner to bed.  Nice jammies, Avril.  Please stop stealing my clothes.  

AVRIL: Dude, you walk like, so slow, like.

CHAD: Um, okay, I'm just still confused, eh?  What do you call that?

AVRIL: It's like, cornrows, and s#@$.  

CHAD: Um…

AVRIL: Oh my gawd, like, you're being such a dad about it.

CHAD: numb with happiness, eh? 

AVRIL: Chad Chad Chad.  Come on.  Let's go.  Chad.  

CHAD: …a shave… under? Is that what that is?  

AVRIL: Come on, let's go do some shopping and s%$#.

CHAD: Being married is great, eh?

AVRIL: Chad Chad Chad.  

CHAD: Wait, don't we have enough black spiked napkin rings already?

AVRIL: SKULL AND CROSSBONES PLACEMATS! MATCHING TABLE RUNNER AND S%#@ ROCK ON DINING ROOM WHOOOO

AVRIL: After this like, sexy photo shoot, we're totally gonna like, go down to the basement, like to that special room, and we're gonna turn on the HIT MACHINE and invent some like, totally new ear worm music!  We like, OWN the charts, mwahahahalikehahaha!

CHAD: The Chavril will rule the world.  The Chavril will globally dominate.  Being married is great eh? 

AVRIL: I am like, totally a grown up now.  I have a grown up man husband.  I have grown up hair and now I wear, like, grown up black stuff.  I write grown up songs about never growing up. I put on my eyeliner like a grown up now.  Like it goes up at the corners instead of like all the way around.  GROWN UP ROCK ON PIANO SUIT AND TIE AND S$%# YEAH HELL YEAH!

CHAD: … So I'll just go turn on the Hit Machine, eh?

Awwww.  Somewhere between the wedding pictures and the carefully planned snapshots of Chad carrying Avril's shopping (seriously, who looks that photo-ready to go shopping?  But he's a nice guy - those bags have to be heavy, maybe you're a gentleman after all) and despite the beautifully lit publicity portraits, things went kinda sad.  The grin faded.  Maybe she didn't like his belt buckles and made him stop wearing them and that zapped his powers.  Maybe they're like the Samson and Delilah of belt buckles.  

Maybe we can't tell a darn thing from photos.  He just looks kinda sad.  Chad may be a lot of things but sad should never be one of them.  

Listen folks. I'm going to tell you a secret about being married.  It's a business.  You go to bed together and accidentally say something like, "Crap we have to pay the phone bill tomorrow" or if you're Jethro and Heidi, "Did that session get invoiced? I have to go to the feed mill tomorrow and I'll take it out of my bank account but can you pay for the oil change on your car out of the business account" or if you're Chad and Avril maybe it's "Which one of us is getting up tomorrow morning to open the door for the Hit Machine Lubricant Delivery guy and is that going on your credit card or mine?"

These two have been responsible for a huge amount of CanCon music over the last 15 years.  No pressure.  They are both songwriters and musicians and I respect that even if I'm not a big fan of their music. I wonder if Global Domination isn't good for a marriage.  

Not that it really matters to my life in any way, but I'm kind of sentimental, and I have a hope that when he goes over to return her best formal skeleton hoodie, she happens to have a roll of Hit Machine paper, and they blink at each other and realize that they are meant to be together and the result is a song called, "My Horns Won't Throw Without You."  And he can start smiling with his teeth showing again.  At the very least, it will keep the Nickelbob away.  

Sweet ride eh?

My ol' man is nuts.  

It's friggen awesome.  

I haven't had a haircut in three years

I have nice hair. I didn't get the big boobs and long legs combo but I have been blessed with thick curly hair. The shortest it's been since age 4 is shoulder length, maybe twice.  I've had 'em so long I was getting tangled up with my back pockets. I'm lucky to get quite a few Good Hair Days.

But there are difficulties. Like, if I get a haircut it better be a good one. Curls and waves don't sit well with cheap haircuts.  This is why I don't fork out the cash for regular trips to the salon. I'd rather pay more and get it done right, but I'm cheap, so I don't do it often. And summer is brutal. Last year my hair was damp all summer. I'd go out to ride and work, sweat like a horse, jump in the pool, take a bath... I'd braid it to keep it out of the way, and rarely gave a chance to dry.  Sometimes I feel like buzzing it all off. Last summer I was on the verge of taking the clippers to my head, but hey, a year ago today I was not thinking right so... Anyways. A haircut is a really BIG DEAL in my world. It's right up there with the MMVAs (omgbiebs) and a Wallenda crossing the falls a on a tightrope -- although not quite as monumental as the Queen's jubilee -- but a Big event for sure.

Sigh... I used to get my hair dyed pink once or twice a year.  It made me feel vibrant.  I'd look in the mirror and see FUN as opposed to fledgling wrinkles and a couple whiskers that nobody told me I'd get after I'd hit 30.  With pink hair I felt like I was not grey and dull.  I loved it and wished my hair would just grow in pink.

But I'm on the other side of 40 now, and haven't sprouted any grey hairs.  So maybe I'll just save my money and be a contented brunette.  Anyways, the well water out here is so rusty we're all turning into redheads.  (ha I wish.  Rust heads?)



 Of course today my hair looks friggen fabulous and I'll probably come home mourning the two inches I got taken off. I predict next week when the sweat is dripping down my neck, I'll be glad my freshly thinned out mane is more manageable!


 Besides I will always be surrounded by somebody else's horse hair.

IT'S JOHNNY DEPP'S BIRTHDAY TODAY!

Happy Birthday to my non-biological half-twin!

(Born seven and a half years apart, that is.)

He is now 49 years old.

(Today is like a national holiday in my home, since my daughter's hero, Matthew Bellamy of Muse, was born on June 9. And she insists that I link their very exciting website!)

I'm just going to plaster a whole whack of pictures on here, which I got from Depp Zone, one of my favourite websites.  Johnny's been roaming around lately in his own spectacular and special brand of insane bohemian pirate outlaw dandy style.  And showing off his New Favourite Hat. 

 If this acting/directing/producing/writing/rockstarring thing doesn't work out for him he could always get a gig doing style lessons.  You know... 

"Mr Johnny Depp, sir, I have a formal event to attend and I need help pairing my collection of necklaces and dangly things and scarves with my suit jacket.  What do you suggest?"

Or 

"Johnny. Having a bad hair day.  Help."

Or

"How can I maintain my brooding air of mystery while still looking charming and handsome?"

Or

"Somebody wants to give me an award for some thing I did.  What should I wear?"

Or

"Dear Johnny, I want to be me. I don't want to look like everybody else, I don't like the same stuff most people like, and I really don't even think I know how to behave in public.  How can I preserve my unique spirit and flirt with the extreme edges of socially acceptable appearance while still giving the metaphorical finger to the established unwritten rules of fashion?  Also I like old stuff.  And boots.  I really like boots.  Love, Heidi the Hick."

But in the meantime he can continue doing his thing.

Here's to many more happy birthdays!

Me and my goofy geldings...

Phoenix has the kind of horse-face that makes you think he's about to speak.  In words.  I don't know what it is, he just looks clever.  He's abnormally expressive, I guess.

He's a GOOF.

During a lesson, I know exactly what's going on with him.  I know when he gets bored - which happens easily.  He does the 11-year-old girl lessons.  It's pretty basic stuff.  Ten minutes in, he's all eye-rolling and stumble-hooved.  That's when I have to change it up, make it more challenging, do something different, anything.  That is, without making it to hard for the rider.  So it's mostly a challenge for...me.

He has one particularly funny/ annoying habit.

He knocks things over.  He seems to believe that he gets points for putting a barrel on the ground.

I might never be able to take this horse to a show.

He'll be going past the little orange pylon set there to mark the corner of the pattern, slow down to a stop, and ever so gently set one hoof on top of it and  - toppled.  The blue barrels are his favourite.  He'll actually lean in until he's close enough to get a knee into it.

He's not a klutz.   Those same little orange pylons will stay up if the rider doesn't quite give him enough to room to get around it, even if he ends up going right over it.  He's capable of walking all four hooves over it without touching it.  It's like he knows.


The little girls think it's hilarious.

Me, not so much. I mean, yeah, it's okay for a laugh, but he's not supposed to be doing that!

The good thing is, I can turn it into a fun challenge.  "He thinks he's supposed to knock over the barrels, but you have to stop him from doing that!"  It's actually good if he doesn't just do everything automatically, whether they cue him correctly or not.  They have to do it right, or he'll just roll his eyes and flap his ears and walk straight into a barrel.

They still love him.

He reminds me a lot of another goofy gelding I loved.  

Is it possible they start off as normal horses and after living with me for awhile they go silly in the head???

BREAK MY RUSTY CAGE. AND RUN!

SOUNDGARDEN London ON July 3.  Dream come true.  Thought I'd never see them live. I'm still not totally well, but I'll get up the guts for these guys... their music got me though my own black days this past month.  They rock and it was truly epic.  Love, love, love.  And goodnight.  

Need some distraction from the DIY detox recovery. Have some MMVA. (lots of pix & linx and things)

It's taken me four days to write this.  It's almost Friday and you know we like some Johnny on a Friday.

Ahhh.  Okay.

So folks, although I'm still spending my time sweating it all out and sleeping it off, I'm slowly getting better.  I'm feeling better enough to start getting impatient.  I'm starting to look forward to living again.  Hey.  Did you know I used to actually go outside?  As soon as everything's less loud and shocky I intend to be out there again.

But hey! I can now look at a computer or read for a while before my eyeballs get all prickly.  Can't watch TV yet.  Tried to watch So Ya Think Ya Dance Good Do Ya and wow.  Flashy!  Shocky!  Ow!! SO happy I can read and type without getting all shocky and shooty, because while I was lying here in a dark room clenching my jaw in agony I occupied my mind by inventing stories and now, I gotta write 'em all down!!!!

I didn't watch the MMVAs on Sunday night.  I stopped caring.  It was my second time  I'd left the house in almost three weeks and I was worn out.  I didn't want to look at anything by evening.  That's what INTERMITTENT NET is for.  Why don't I just do a little commentary on a show I didn't watch, I mean, why not, chances are good you didn't watch it either?!

PICTURES: They came from the MuchMusic website, a couple of Canadian national newspaper sites, and my favourite - GO FUG YOURSELF.  In fact for a complete and funny commentary just go read Heather's take on it.  I snickered.  She totally did the Carpet-and-drapes joke I was gonna make.

First, I'd like to start with something I should just make a regular feature here at Hick Chic called DANGIT AVRIL!  Gah.  I tried to be all disdainful of the gum-chewing wise-cracking punk princess pink hair thing.  (Yeah the pink hair thing was totally my idea first.) I'm kind of neutral about her music but I give her credit for writing it herself, being able to play guitar and for **singing live** so basically what I'm saying is,

DANGIT AVRIL you won me over again, again.

SHE'S JUST SO DARN CUTE!

How can I stay irritated with that smile?  

I am irritated with one of the intermittent net news sites which claimed that Avril arrived in a lime green Camaro SS.  FOREHEAD SLAP.  First of all, I don't know where this is called lime.  This is classic Generous Motors Early 70s Slime green.  Duh!

Second, THAT IS NOT A CAMARO.  Duh much?  Clearly by the shape of the door and quarter window it is a Chevelle or Malibu.   Isn't it obvious by the double headlights that this is a Chevelle?  Did the Camaro have double headlights in the early 70s?  No it did not.  Just duh.  Non-car people should CHECK THEIR FACTS.  So frustrating!

See now my eyeballs really hurt.  Break time.

Okay I'm back.

Sadly, Avril's outfit is also visually uncomfortable.

Dangit, Avril!

So the host of this little shindig was a totally adorable young lady who I have only heard of because she's got this boyfriend who grew up around my neck of the woods meaning that even more than the rest of the planet there is no escaping the Biebs out here in farm country I'm not even kidding.

 I'm not up on what her thing is or if she's good at the thing she does.  I just know she's really cute...

...and because I am the mother of a 17 year old girl, I want ask this 18 year old girl, "Have you been eating well sweetie?  Are you getting enough sleep?"  Especially since it was all over the news that she'd been hospitalized the week before.  Well no wonder, the way she's been zigzagging all over North America.  The noise in Stratford alone a couple weeks ago would be enough to bust her head.

Anyways, Famous Boyfriend was supposedly not going to be there.  Yeah right.

This picture cracks me up.  He's all, Dude! Check out the hot chick with the high-waisted jeans on my T shirt!  It's VINTAGE! She's gotta be like, THIRTY-FIVE or something now!!!  Yeah baby!

Is that Tiffani Theissen?  I always wondered if she was of the Manitoba Mennonite Thiessens.  

But whatevs, Biebs.  I was onto that like, thirty years ago.  When your mom was a baby.  Cuz Dude, I had A SHAUN CASSIDY T SHIRT.  

It was just like that but in royal blue and I think my auntie gave it to me.  I know she gave me the Hooked On Horses T shirt.  Anyways, my Shaun Cassidy shirt totally erases his shirt.  Just does.  

This picture of The Gombiebs makes me snicker.  Look at the little horndog's face.  Oh yeah, just lean over juuuuust like that, in your dangerous little halter top, uh huh.  Teenage boys are so sneaky that way.   Yeah it's normal and all, but watch where ya put that hand there, hotshot.

Well I do think they're a nice little couple.  In their line of work they can understand each other. 

And I'd keep going if I could turn this computer screen down a little but it won't go any dimmer so it's time for another eyeball break.  

Aaaand I'm back.  At least I can type now without electric shocks going up and down my arms!!!

Enough sugar coating.  TIME TO ROCK.

BILLY TALENT.

 I love these guys.  

Tell me, worldwide friends, are you aware of this band?  If not, go check them out !  We've seen them live a couple times and man, what a show!  They are a scream and a half live!!!   

Love the tunes, love the playing, love the lyrics.  

And by the way, Billy Talent is the BAND.  The frantically hot little front man is not Billy.  Billy Talent is a band not a guy. Very good band with four very good guys.

I got distracted looking up their videos ("Surrender" is a particularly good one). And now I need another eyeball break.

Okay it's tomorrow morning now.  I'm back in bed to sleep it off and sweat it out and YAY my nice dim screen isn't as hurty as it was yesterday!

More rock star.  City and Colour.  Dallas Green is like a hero to me.  In our family we have a habit of listening to his music, whether it's this band or Alexisonfire, and sighing, "That man has got the voice of an angel."  And a great songwriter too. Honestly I think he's a national treasure. 

I really wish I would have said HI (or something less dumb or anything) to him when we were in the same elevator in 2007.  But I was talking with a friend so I just settled for a weird eye thing that kind of went like, "Um I totally know who you are and I think you're awesome but I'm talking to my friend right now so instead I'm shooting admiration vibes at you" and "I'm not sure if I should know you but I might have seen you before? and the skulls on your dress are kinda neat."

I'd heard that Johnny Galecki would be there.  The Big Bang Theory is the #1 show in Canada so it makes sense that he'd show up. But it was he himself, not Dr Leonard Hofstadter.  But y'know, I kind of think he looks a little bit like Keanu in this picture.  Kinda cute.  And I love Leonard.  

Not sure what's going on here but the girls behind him don't really care cuz he's not Gombiebs.

Also in attendance: Colin Farrell.  He always looks slightly perplexed.  I think it's those terribly expressive eyebrows.  

Apparently he's in town shooting a movie.  He looks like he just woke up on a red carpet but it's a music thing not an acting thing and he's not sure if he should be okay with it or sneak out the back when nobody's looking.  One of the news sites reporting that when asked, he couldn't name a Canadian band.  If this is true, what?!  It's not so hard... Canada is basically a big Musician Farm.  Entertainment is our big import.  Second biggest city in Canada is Los Angeles.  Come on, can't name a Canadian band?  What about mono-monikered divas?  This isn't so hard!

But Colin looks good in denim and I'm shallow that way about dudes, so, okay.

Worn out.  Nap time.  

It's today afternoon now.  Here I am.  

So.  Gaga.  

It must be said... this time out she really, really shocked me.  SHE WORE STUFF THAT RESEMBLED CLOTHES AND SHE WAS COVERED.  Mostly.

Also she wore a suit of black feathers.  Cool!!!!

I might have to start a new feature called DARNIT GAGA.

For now, let's do something I call WHAT THE HECK DOES SHE ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE?!

She was up to her usual shenanigans when she showed up the day before for soundcheck looking like THIS. (for soundcheck.  The one time you'd get to show up in track pants.) (but this is an outdoor gig and y'know... there could be cameras, so...).  

We expect this kind of crap by now.  Big giant Whatevs.  Except for two things.  One, as I am a big advocate for Backside Pride, I gotta point out that her bottom appears to be rather upright.  And two, without the stupid get-up I might not have recognized her, because I think she kinda looks like Dita Von Teese.

Anybody else see it?  But I doubt either of them look like that on couch-magnet-TV night.

I've seen this pattern on splint boots at the local tack shop.  Guaranteed to look good an any horse.  

Come to think of it, that pattern might be a little too busy on a spotted Appaloosa.  Or attention-grabbing diva.

The wig trunk alone must have been huge just for this gig.  She had to have at least three.  

Just to make sure we don't forget who she is, Gaga pulled a little strip show which launched thousands of carpet and drapes jokes.  

I know - EW.  But also,  HAHAHA!  We are so freaked out by body hair!  Even fake stuff!  Hahaha! And also, Ew!

She reminds me here of a combination of Madonna and Alanis Morrisette at the Junos a few years back with the bathrobe & bodysuit stunt.

"We are living in an surreal-ial world..."

haha.

That wig is fantastic.  I want one in pink.  

Seriously.  WHAT THE HECK DOES SHE REALLY LOOK LIKE?????  

Man, I would rather not devote this much time to her - it's like rewarding a tantrum-throwing child in a store by getting all flustered and making an even bigger public spectacle then buying the kid the junkfoodtoything just to make the noise stop - but hey, she really worked for it. She puts effort into grabbing all the publicity she possibly can.

However she exhausts me on a good day.

Break time.

Okay. I didn't sleep but I closed my eyes.  It was nice.

I made the most wonderful discovery as I looked for pictures and news from the event... I saw a picture of four delightfully curly haired denim wearing bearded hoser dudes and thought, heh, I'd invite them over to play a show on my hay wagon.  (I mean as in, the hay wagon is the stage.  For those Imaginary Gigs I can throw now that I have a hay wagon.  Didn't mean it as a desperate and vague euphemism okay!)  The caption simply said, "The Sheepdogs."

Well, I says to myself, any band calling themselves the Sheepdogs has to be okay.  And nothing bad ever came out of Saskatchewan right?

Being pretty much holed up in my bedroom, I have time to do some digging around.  I searched the name thinking, "please be awesome, please be awesome! Don't lame out and disappoint me!  Please be awesome!"



HOLY CRAP I THINK I JUST FOUND MY NEW FAVOURITE BAND!  

This is what I thought  Kings Of Leon would sound like when I first saw their picture.  These guys aren't pin-up purty, but they have something better ....THREE PART HARMONY!  Southern Rock from the Great White Prairies?  Oh heck yes!!!

How did this get past me???  These guys have been doing this thing for at least four years... (we were IN SASKATOON four years ago for a big music event...) and here they're in a contest to be on the cover of Rolling Stone?!?!  What the heck - I was only knocked out on anti-depressant withdrawal for like, three weeks?!!!  I almost didn't catch this????


Once I can actually do a whole blog post without taking naps or shaking, I'll tell you all about another cool discovery I made before things went totally sideways here.  It involves Finnish trolls and Bob Dylan!

And I'm spent.  I need a drink of water and then I need to like, write a whole novel.  Nothing like an easy slow recovery eh?  Ha.