I know you didn't watch the Grammys, so I did it for you: HICK CHIC GRAMMY REPORT

Welcome to the Sam Smith and Kimye show, featuring T Swift!  I'm joking, it wasn't that boring.  (!!!) You know me, I love this stuff.  And I watched the whole thing.  Even Uncle Neil's big speech.  As usual the Grammys got a few things wrong, but they also did as many things right.  For example, opening the show with AC/DC!

Lots of pyro, noise, and these ol' fellers doing what they do best.  I can't believe Angus hasn't completely ruined his knees doing that stage strut, but I'm so delighted that he's still rocking his crazy schoolboy outfit.  Looks as ridiculous as ever.  I love it.  

This is what Brian Johnson does.  This.  With every ounce of his wiry little British soul.  

At some point audience members wore horns.  And threw horns.  Katy Perry, in this picture, appears to be just learning how this is done.  

I am only vaguely aware that this tiny little Ariana Grande person exists.  Apparently she was a TV star in her youth?  She's got a huge voice.  But the singing, for me anyways, is largely offset by a couple annoying habits I've notice: She did this whole performance with her eyes closed or looking down, which, while giving us a great look at her elaborate eyeliner, was kind of off-putting.  (If you're going to be off-putting… we'll talk about Sia soon…)  Also she tends to pose with a childish little pout that I find kinda creepy.  

So that happened.   

Then Jessie J and Tom Jones did a thing.  Listen, it's not unusual for me to love Tom Jones. (Yep, you can see what I did there.)  But Jessie J is a weird one.  I always start off thinking, oh yeah, she's a good singer, and then very quickly decide I want her to just stop with the vibrato, and by the end I want her to just stop.  

Also her dress was hideous.  

But Tom Jones is the bomb.  Haha, sex bomb, sex bomb.  Haha.  No seriously, he looks pretty darn fit and healthy in his older age, and most importantly, he sounds fantastic!

Here he is overwhelming LL Cool J with his smug perm-smirk.  

So that was fun, but then Kanye had to come up and ruin everything.  Geez Kanye.  (Feel free to just do a big old eye roll here.  Groan if you need to.  I did.)

This was boring and lame and I didn't get it.  Can we do this, can we just let me go off on a Kanye rant?  Like, is it just me, that I don't get him, or am I the little kid who's confused because nobody else has noticed that the emperor's clothes are invisible?  I keep hearing the Kanye is a genius.  Is he?  Is he really?  I'm too lazy to do the research, but from what I've heard… I just don't get it.  

He can't stand not being the centre of attention, he speaks like he has only been speaking English for a few months, (is it cool to ignore grammar?) and he doesn't seem as smart as he wants everyone to think he is.  

OR… maybe he is a very sensitive and insecure person who seeks to build himself up by convincing everybody that he's great.  Fake it till you make it.  

Or maybe he's just a jerk.  Either way, after he sort of jokingly but then seriously but not really sabotaged Beck's win, he ranted that artists (himself) won't be participating in the Grammys anymore if they are continually disrespected.  Except he didn't say it with correct words.  

If only he'd actually carry through with that empty threat.  

Also, little fella, BEYONCE DOES NOT NEED YOU TO DEFEND HER HONOUR.  

Beyonce can handle it.  

Let's have some Beyonce to clear our brains!

There, that's better.  

She's not bossy.  She's The Boss.

Alright, so then we had Miranda Lambert, who is adorable, stomping around on the stage looking hyper-sassy while singing about a red wagon and sunglasses and cowboy boots.  Those boots were the only thing about her outfit that I can approve of.  The boots rock, the rest of the outfit is HIDEOUS.  How is this fair?  She is so cute and pretty and likeable, and yet someone let this happen?  

Oh and she sounded pretty good.  So that was normal.  

But we weren't done with hideous outfits yet!!!

Are you ready for this?

MADONNA!

She's a bullfighter this year.  A SEXY bullfighter, okay?

Y'know, I'm ready to pretty much give her a free pass on anything.  She's freakin' Madonna.  This is the kind of stuff you expect from her.  She never disappoints, I'll give her that.  

This is her red carpet outfit.  There is no way that mess is comfortable, but she's working the hell out of it.  Because that's what she does.  Her boobs look confused, like, YEAH we're HERE combined with what is happening to us we can't breeeeeathe.  

Madonna looks good, if by good you mean well-preserved and propped up and smoothed out.  I'm not a fan of fakery when it comes to aging, but remember, this is Madonna and we'd be disappointed if she went any other way.  

If we stick with that line of reasoning, her performance was perfect.  Dramatically lit, with half naked male dancers with horns (yep) and thumping canned dance music.  I highly doubt she sang live and at this point, I don't even care.  Her leg muscles are almost frightening.  You wouldn't expect her to sing live while flexing those amazing legs, right?

And then at the end, she was lifted up into the air, away from the longing hands of her male minions, who all wear gloves to match hers because they adore her so much.  

It was everything I wanted from her.  

So then Beck won best Rock something.  Here's where I confess that I haven't heard a thing off this album.  If I remember correctly, The Black Keys were also nominated, for an album I listen to quite a bit, and I would have given it to them, but I don't get to vote on this things.  But it's okay, because Beck is cool.  He just is.  

He's so cool that he wasn't frazzled at all when Kanye almost kind of jokingly but seriously tried to hijack the moment and tell everyone that Beck should have given the award to Beyonce.  Okay, on second thought, maybe it wasn't the Rock award.  Whatever, the point is, Beck was cool about Kanye almost being a jerk.  I am holding myself back from going off on another Kanye Is Annoying rant but I don't want to steal Beck's moment.  YAY BECK! YOU ARE CREATIVE AND FUN!  

Ed Sheeran, that cute lil red haired fella, had just started singing when Grandma's DVR decided to take a little break.  So I missed that.  The DVR shook off it's apathy and got back to work just as the performance was ending.  

Apparently there was a John Mayer sighting.  I did not see all the crazy guitar-face work.  Sigh.  Soon after, the grandparents turned in for the night so I crept upstairs to my living room and watched the rest of it.  (Jethro was home by this time so he turned on the TV for me.  Don't judge me harshly - it involves three remotes, okay?)

You know who was up next?  Jeff Lynne's ELO.  To which Selina said, "Who?"  And I realized that that was a part of musical education that I neglected to give my younguns.  Oh well.  

Because of this, they are now aware that this exists, or existed.  They used to be called ELO (Electric Light Orchestra?) but now it's Jeff Lynne's ELO so I'm guessing he's the only original guy left and the others are out touring in Nebraska somewhere with the name, so if he wants to use it, he has to put his name in front of it to differentiate.  (Kind of like Scrantonicity and Scrantonicity Two.  Office Reference joke.)

You know what Taylor Swift was doing during this and most performances, right?

I keep going back and forth on her.  She's so enthusiastic!  She's insufferable.  She's so pretty!  She's too pretty.  She's singing for real!  She's not the best singer in the world, technically.  But I gotta hand it to her, she is a force to be reckoned with.  She always looks great, she's driving her own career, and other than the trail of broken hearts (which she will jokingly admit is great songwriting fodder) she hasn't been part of any sordid scandal.  

This is so good.  The underskirt part is almost frighteningly short but with legs like hers, anything is short.  Have you noticed how she works over the photographers?  She is good at this.  However she didn't win a Grammy this time around so she didn't have to hyperventilate with shock up onstage.  And I love those shoes.  I love those shoes with that dress.  

Gwen Stefani is back!  Did you know that?  I live under a rock.  

She looks as awesome as ever and sounds like Gwen.  You know what I mean.  I am always going to give her credit for having a sound and being herself, and always singing live.  I know it was live because it was imperfect.  I can handle imperfect from her.  

Adam Levine, her duet partner, was also himself - basically perfect.  Nice suit, good performance.  

Yep, so that was a thing that happened.  

Here is a nice pic of Gwen with ANNIE LENNOX and I don't know how Gwen can handle it.  I wonder if she turned around after the picture was taken and squealed "omg I just met Annie Lennox!!!"  Because I would.  

So this is where things get interesting.

A performance by Hozier, a young singer who is so handsome, my head hurts just a little bit.  He also sings well.  And plays guitar.  And writes songs. 

I mean.  Yes.  Thank you you're welcome.

Oh but that's not all.  It just got way more awesome in here.  Yep, in the middle of his haunting song, "Take Me To Church," he stretches out his arm and yells "Annie Lennox!"  And she joined him to sing a harmony part.  And it was fantastic.  

But she is way too good to us, my fellow Christmas baby, the forever stunning diva.  She sang a rocking version of "I Put A Spell On You."  

I found a picture of them backstage.  I can't decide which one of them is the luckiest.  

Can I just say, she is amazing.  Her performance was basically a lesson.  THIS is how you do it, ladies. Sing well, and be confident that you can sing well.  And as for sexiness?  This woman has nothing to prove, she just IS.  She has always been capable of oozing sex appeal while being completely covered. (I'm looking at you, Cyrus Kid and Minaj.  Put it away.  No pix of you because I am weary of you both.)  AND Annie Lennox has made no attempt to appear artificially younger, and I love that about her.  She is for real.  And she is gorgeous.  

Also… I like him.  

Then things got kind of weird when Pharrell showed up in short pants - he's trying very hard to be Angus Young, I guess? - and did his song "Happy."  Didn't he do that last year?  But this time was different because it involved Hans Zimmer on guitar.  It was EPIC.    

Also can I tell you that Pharrell's lady friend was wearing A ONESIE?  Yes, on the red carpet.  Do you know what this means?  This gives me unspoken permission to wear my Pook Onesie to the Junos!!!!!

(Like I ever gave a crap about permission!!!)

Things then got serious with a message about domestic abuse.  You know what, I am really looking forward to a day when we don't have to tell people that you should never abuse your lover.  It was so serious, the President had a message.  The President of the USA,  not the president of NARAS.  Then, a very articulate young woman declared herself an abuse survivor and delivered a strong speech about love, which was basically, Someone who loves you will not abuse you.  It seems so simple, and it saddens me that it has to be said.  But let's keep saying it.  

This was followed by a Katy Perry performance.  Wow, did she ever go for The Serious.  This was pretty cool in a minimalist kind of way.  I'm not familiar with the song but it's pretty heavy subject matter, right?  She went for it like she wants everybody to know how much effort she is putting into the serious singing, and I don't mean that in a sarcastic way.  She is not up there with the legendary singers, but she is a heck of a hard worker, and she always does it live.  (At least I'm pretty sure it was live.  I've warned Jethro not to break my illusions if I want to think it's live and he can tell it's not.)

Now I'm going to make things shallow again.  I don't understand how hair works.  In the performance, she had her hair all slicked back into a long tail, and it was black.  But before and after, she had this going on:

Wig??? Magical hairstylist??? I think this would have been a truly great look, if Katy had remembered that her sparkly dress wasn't lined and got that fixed up.  There are so many sheer dresses at these shindigs that I often wonder if any of these women wake up later in a cold sweat from nightmares about going out in public with all their nudey bits showing.  

Which leads to me Lady Gaga, who did not have any nudey bits showing, other than copious amounts of cleavage. This dress cracked me up - the skirt has a big open leg vent. It's more than a slit.  It's a leg vent.  And in case you didn't notice her boobs, there's a honking great emerald sitting there calling to you.  And yet, I think she looks great!

 Also she had Tony Bennett which … c'mon.  Tony Bennett!!! 

This is great - two Italian kids from Noo Yawk, separated only by a half century, united by their love of singing.  Do you think he calls her Gaga or Stefanie?  They both sounded great (pleeeease let it be a live performance - I know they both have the skill to pull it off) and it was jaunty and fun.  Plus, Gaga is rocking a fabulous new look.  Ready for this?

GOTH JESSICA RABBIT.  

You're welcome.  

I love it that he gets to soak up the appreciation while he's still alive and well.  How wonderful!

And another guy who gets to enjoy the affection - Stevie Wonder, who appeared not once, but twice, with Usher and with Jamie Foxx.

At the end of Usher's song, Stevie rose from the shadows dramatically.  And then played the harmonica and everybody freaked out.  

Later on, his very presence caused Jamie Foxx to turn into Ray Charles.  I wonder if that ever happens accidentally, like Jamie's at the grocery store and suddenly he's Ray Charles.  Or if it's automatic when the black shades go on.  Hmmmm….

Eric Church's performance was, I assume, another serious message moment.  Man, these Grammys were serious.  Remember how many crappy things happened in 2014?  yeah.  I believe this was supposed to be a comment on social unrest and how we should stop killing each other.  I wholeheartedly agree.  

Sadly, the effect of all those awful scenes flashing up there behind the band was like an exercise in negative conditioning.  I wanted to look away.  I think there may have been some scenes of people getting along at the end, but by that time I was a little numb.  Maybe that was the point - we all want to look away from the ugliness and pretend it's not there.  Country music gets serious.

Fortunately, country music was also pleasant, as performed by someone new and someone who's been around for a long time: Brandy Clark and Dwight Yoakum.  

I like her!  I hope she's back next year.  I thought this was a really sweet performance.  

But I had to explain the concept of a Dwight Yoakum, and decided to forgive myself for the omission from the musical education, because damn there is a lot of music out there, and I've only had twenty years to do the musical educating.  So here's how I explained Dwight:

-big cowboy hat

-longish hair sticking out the back

-fancy blazer of some kind

-spangly guitar

-extremely tight jeans

He is still painting on the jeans so all is normal in the world.  

But that didn't last long, because then this happened and I got confused all over again.  

Paul McCartney, Kanye, and Rihanna.  I like musical mashups but this was weird in a very bland way.  I blame Kanye.  

Even Sir Paul looks confused.  

Actually he was the only one actually doing something.  Rihanna was singing, but she was apparently in drag, wearing a men's suit that was too big and grabbing at her crotch.  Whaaaa?   And Kanye was just… I don't know what he was doing.  Seriously, why does everybody freak out about him?  

Yeah, no kidding.  I don't get it either, Kim.  (Please stop perpetuating the culture of stupid.)

Grossssssss.

Do these people NOT OWN SHIRTS?  Why must they both show off their chests????

That crusty thing on her is not a dress, it's a bathrobe.  An ugly and expensive bathrobe.  Come on Kanye, at least give her actual clothes, since you apparently make all her decisions now.  She's your wife, you're supposed to love her, geez.  She's not likely to have many thoughts and opinions of her own, at least stop telling her this looks good.   

I'm ready to start disrespecting artistry just to encourage him to go away.

Did I mention that this was Sam Smith's night?  I knew he'd do well. I'm sure he and Taylor Swift bonded over writing songs about the men who broke their hearts.  

 Here's a picture of him with Rihanna who was not yet dressed like an 80s banker, but instead like a 5 year old girl at a birthday party.

Well that's cute, eh? 

Adorable Sam was paired up with Mary J Blige to sing "Stay With Me" and I instantly felt regretful.  He didn't compare well.  I don't think it's his fault; maybe he was nervous.  More likely, it's just cruel to have most humans sing with Mary J because she is perfection.  She is just consistently excellent.  Even decent singers will sound like hungover snails beside her.  

But he was very cute.  

Then it was time for some fun. This fella is Juanes and I want to always say his name in capitals with an exclamation mark.  JUANES!

It was very jaunty and made me want to eat something spicy.  Plus he's wearing a denim shirt and you gotta trust a guy in a denim shirt, right?

Well after that, who shows up, but PRINCE.  And yes, just pretty much go ahead and always say his name in capitals.  He does not need an exclamation mark.  He'll invent his own.  

I love this picture so much.  He's like, "I know.  I'm PRINCE."  This would have been right around the time that he simply cruised across the stage to present an award, and there was a disproportionate amount of cheering, and he knows he's PRINCE.  He's proven himself.  All he has to do is show up.  And who else could show up in luxury pyjamas and look this awesome?  Nobody.  Not Kimmy K in her gaudy shiny bathrobe.  Not any of the girls in their see through dress-less straps. Not cute lil Pharrell in his short pants.  

So if you had't yet gotten a big enough dose of weirdness, never fear, because Sia is here.  But just so you know things are going in an unexpected direction, Shia Le Boeuf introduced her performance.  Oh Shia, ya weirdo.  I had no idea this guy could dance.  If you want to be totally disturbed and possibly moved to tears, go look up Sia's video for "Elastic Heart" because it's amazing.  So Shia was perfectly Shia about the whole thing: he read a poem off what appeared to be a purple paper dinner napkin, like he was at a party and the guy beside him wrote a poem to Sia on his napkin because Shia wouldn't let him write on the paper bag he wears on his head, and then the guy, let's call him Eric, looked the other way, Shia snuck the napkin into his pocket to save for later.  I think this sounds perfectly reasonable.  

The actual performance was staggering.  At the end, I was not quite sure what I just saw.  

Sia has decided not to show her face, so she stood in the corner and sang to the wall, while two dancers acted out the story.  Or whatever.  The young girl, Maddie Ziegler, is an absolutely incredible dancer and really is a part of the whole artistic expression of this whole thing… you know what I mean.  She is Sia's avatar.  The kid is crazy talented.  

And the other dancer was Kristen Wiig.  I didn't recognize her.  

The set was a cluttered dingy apartment that I would have like to spend a few hours exploring.  

Here are Sia and her little evil twin on the red carpet.  

Pssst…. everybody is talking about you.  

Then Dave Grohl walked onto the stage, causing us to bust out the chorus of Wesley Willis' famous anthem, which goes like this: DAAAAAAAAVE GRO - OHHHHHHHLLL!

If I hadn't taken notes I would have forgotten why Dave was there.  I have written down, "Thank you to Dave Letterman."  Well, I guess there were a lot of musical acts on his show.  This is a picture of Mr and Mrs Grohl being fangirled by the Haim sisters.  Of course, cuz he can really play guitar, he can kick a polar bear's ass!

By this time I remember feeling pretty tired but there's no way I'm packing it in yet.  I'm in till the bitter end.  

Beck and Chris Martin did a little thing, and in my notes I wrote, "I care about this much more than I expected to."  So that's gotta be good.  

Inevitably, we will get a speech from Neil Portnow, or as I like to call him, Uncle Neil.  His speeches have been getting more passionate over the years, in proportion to how shitty the music industry has gotten.  Not everybody is aware of how hard it is to make a living.  It all looks like rich people spending money on being rich and fabulous, but most of these clothes are borrowed for the night, and you might be shocked at how few musicians are visibly wealthy.  There's your 1%. 

Anyways, Uncle Neil stood beside the gorgeous and talented Jennifer Hudson, or as she calls herself, "Jinnifuh HUHDsn" to talk to us about… I'm going to get this wrong because I was tired, but basically it's a plan to make sure music creators are financially compensated for their work.  I'm not sure how he's going to do that but I'm all for it.  You can't expect new artists to make good quality music when they have to work at the grocery store and the coffee shop to pay for their rent and their gear and studio time and touring costs.  Music doesn't pay well enough.  Not at first.  Sometimes not ever.  So, thanks Uncle Neil, however you accomplish it, for promising we'll be paid fairly!  

Well, we're in the home stretch.  

Did I mention this was a very serious Grammys?

Right around here, Gwyneth showed up to do an introduction, and she uttered these words: "We live in complicated times."  I don't know about that, Gwyneth.  It's not that complicated.  Here, I can clear it up in three words: Stop Killing People.  Want more words?  Not all black teenagers are up to no good.  More words?  The aboriginal people were here first.  Want more words?  Get to know a person before you decide if they're evil.  Hint: most people are not evil. 

So what better way to end it than with Beyonce, looking like an angel, singing us to church?  

She sang "Take My Hand, Precious Lord" and it was heavenly.  

Selina saw this and groaned, "Is…she…for real???"  

Well, yes.

This was followed by John Legend and Common.  This was heavy.  It was set to scenes from the movie "Selma" and I believe they got their message across in a positive way.  It was a good way to end the show. 

I admit I'm not familiar with a lot of Common's work, but he impresses me.  He is so confident and delivers his words like a poet.  

I just wish the whole thing had wrapped up a little earlier because by this time I was dooooone.  

But before I finish this up, I'd like to show you a couple things that delighted me.  First of all, the camera kept finding Questlove here in the audience, and he had his pick sticking in his afro, of course, because this is a perfectly sensible way to make sure you're always well groomed.  

He looks like a party.  

And, you know I couldn't let this go.  A young lady showed up in a dress MADE OF SNOW FENCE.

With a matching fascinator/ headpiece/ thing to look through with one eye.

So this is a bad idea on so many levels, and yet it appeals to me on so many levels. 

Let's do this:

-it doesn't look very good

-it's um, well, since it's not actually clothes, it's see-through.  I can see her undies.  And boob tape.  I don't want to see any of that.

-probably not very soft and comfy

-did I mention that it's not clothes and she forgot to wear clothes underneath?

But also…

-it's orange and that has to be the most fun colour

-she looks extremely excited and happy to be parading around in this

-it's not like she's the only naked-dressed lady there

-finally we can buy our formal wear at TSC!!!! Fifty bucks for a roll of snow fence!  Total win.  

-after the big event, you can take your dress apart and roll it into the barn until next November when you have to put your snow fence up.  Kinda brilliant, really.

Can't wait to see how this will end up….