It's brilliant. I don't know if everybody out there will get it, but I do. I had my own protective exoskeleton, and I've been sick and tired of normal people with reasonable emotions being positive AT ME and I've had a dried up corn moment in my life. Just go read it, it'll make sense... although if it doesn't make sense, well, I guess you can breathe a sigh of relief that none of this depression crap makes any sense to you.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
I'm waiting for her book to become a real thing, and I'll wait as long as she needs.
Hey, did I ever tell you that I made a decision to live? First it was because the active decision to die was too damn difficult and overwhelming. Then I actually DECIDED that I'm going through with this life thing. No matter how hard it is or seemingly impossible. I had to decide it every day, several times a day, for a few years.
Looking back, it was a very good series of decisions.
This is the second year in a row that it's spring and I don't feel horrible.
And guess what? I've got people in my life who love me. For real. That's pretty damn awesome.
Soon I'll show you how purty my horses looked when I let them out on pasture for the first time last week and also Johnny Depp apparently is actually for real in a cowboy type movie, which will obviously result in me being insane in a very interesting way. See ya soon, cowpunks.
16 comments:
Oh thanks, thanks a lot. I was about to shut this thing off and go live my life, walk dogs, garden, plant stuff, and you had to point this out. I read it, I laughed and cried and now it's raining. It's all your fault.
No really, I get it. I also get the "I don't want to kill myself, but I would just like to stop living, except I have the dogs and a horse and they seem to wonder what happened to me." I was also put on drugs and that was a nightmare, because if you have a problem with a drug, they don't want you to go off it, they give you another, and another and another.
See, now I'm thinking and remembering and I should just be outside walking and planting things.
I had a really long comment (as usual) about the day I tried to go to sleep and not wake up. But I think I will keep the story to myself, for now.
Well in one way or another we are all in this together.
And we can think and remember while walking and planting and brushing horses and all that stuff. It's great how our brains work that way.
Now get outside. Both of you!! Get a raincoat and go!
Oh how I wish I could....alas I am chained to a desk for the next 7 hours. UGH!
Yep that was me yesterday - hadn't been at the studio in almost 3 months so I had a lot of cleaning up and filing to do. Blech. And today it's drizzling! But it's ok!!!!
Johnny was just on my campus for two weeks with Morgan Freeman filming some movie. It made me think of you. :)
I did go out yesterday, it mostly sucked. Sprinkled off and on, but not enough to really get anything wet.
But I just thought of something, Johnny Depp as a Cowboy? And he speaks French (that's one of my oldest fantasies, a cowboy who talks dirty in French). Could it get any better? That's how my mind works.
We each have a roadmap for life with some sense of what we want out of it. The trouble is we know where we been, but not what lies ahead. So what use is the map? Where you been yesterday, is where you are likely to be today and tomorrow, or not far from it. Depends where you have set your compass. If it points to depression then you are heading that way.
I read hyperbole+1/2, an excellent presentation that makes better sense than some of the books written on the subject.
I like what she and you said, about depression being a choice, choosing to live is another. Depression is defined by helplessness, lack of motivation that leaves no energy to climb out of the dark hole. Drugs can only help so much, and they don't solve things, just anesthetize them.
I'm not prone to depression, but that too was a choice that I had made early in life, learning from someone close, who had put a head into the gas oven and went to sleep. It was a miracle that 4-weeks of sleep therapy and electroshocks led to recovery. I think that experience had scared me straight, not to go that route. But second hand I saw and felt what it was like and what effects it had on people around.
I'm not patting myself on the back, or patronizing those who suffer from depression, I was just lucky to have learned early to close the door on bad thoughts and look for some form of consolation. My mantra is "be good to yourself."
I wish you luck on your journey and am very glad you have found traction.
Paul, being able to look at the positive is a skill and good for you for developing it early! You've been through a few things. You've had to choose. Depression, in my opinion, tends to choose us instead of the other way around, but sooner or later we have to decide what to do with it. Damn hard. The very illness itself robs us of the ability to choose. Soooo hard but possible. Anything is possible. Even if depression tries to tell us it's not!
Redhorse - Johnny, cowboy, french...???!!!! If it gets better I will go into overload. I love British men and always said if Johnny was British it'd drive me over the top but he fakes the accent so nicely... no wonder I'm nuts...
Jay - Johnny Depp and "God" on the same property???? Good thing this blog post is about sanity eh? hahahaha
I'm glad you're back, and I read the Hyperbole & a Half post that you recommended. I've been dealing--with varying amounts of success--with the black cloud for so long in my life, that I'd forgotten how the early stages felt. That "exhilaration of detachment" really hit home. I remember how invulnerable I felt then, and how deeply cold. At that point it was an improvment upon suicidal. A lot of my memories of those years are pretty sketchy, and I don't
know when I first told myself I wouldn't go back there (to the suicidal place), but I know it was bravado, and it still scares me. But hey, we're still here, and it IS Spring, and the horses are getting their dapples.
Thanks to everyone for the perspective on depression. it's been a nasty week in the caregiving/advocacy part of my life and has led to some very self-destructive thoughts. It is a life-long battle. Now that I have had some inspiration from all of you, it's time to get outside and cut the grass. Better days ahead!
Oh Dorothy. It just isn't easy. It just is not. You are so very valued though, just because you're wonderful. Sending you hugs (and to your family) and lets hug for real soon!!!!
Thanks, Heidi. It was a hurting day ... twenty-two years ago on May 16, 1991 that we got the H.D. diagnosis. Then add an incident at Freeport this week and, just to make sure that I was paying attention, a leak in a water pipe which necessitated an emergency plumber late last night. That's how it happens sometimes and then there are mundane stretches that more than make up for the hard times. I always think of our family background as a long line of suck it up people. My mom and your grandma always used to say that you can't change it so you have to accept it. She was a very wise woman.
I thank God for that streak of stubbornness and stoicism all the time. It's good to come from that long line of people!
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