2013 HICK CHIC GRAMMY REPORT! You slept, I watched!

This year had all kinds of history making moments, but what I was most curious about was the choice of BRIAN THE TALKING DOG as host.  If you don't watch "Family Guy" on TV I suggest you don't, in order to avoid permanent damage, but if you do, you already know that the mind behind it is pretty darn twisted.  Sometimes super funny.  Mostly really disturbed.  I mean, look at this guy:

He's got that handsome charming kind of look.  Clean cut and respectable looking.  Roguish sly grin, consistently raised eyebrow denoting intellect and wit.  The kind of teeth usually reflecting a glint of sparkling light.  

DON'T YOU KNOW THESE ARE THE KIND OF GUYS WHO CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED???!?!?!?!!????!!!!!

Actually I thought he was perfect for the gig.  He's totally into the Old Hollywood vibe and big band scene - many people were not aware that he's a singer as well - and wow, does he ever have the perfect voice!  He's got that deep broadcasting baritone.  

But he's friggen RUDE, people!!

Well I expected him to drop a few cringe worthy zingers and he did.  His delivery was funny, but the scripted jokes were mean spirited.  I don't like mean spirited.  

But I'm a firm believer that everybody likes boobs.  

I'm surprised at the backlash over the "We Saw Your Boobs" song!  This was pretty tame and harmless!  And all the actresses were in on it.  It was a planned bit.  They're actresses -- they were acting annoyed and embarrassed.  It's called being committed to the bit.  It's a comedy thing.  Anyways, we did see their boobs. In their movies. It's true.  

haha

Actually that face was from another bit where (and I can't even remember now why this came up... introducing Christopher Plummer???  That would make sense...) MacFarlane introduced "the Von Trapp Family Singers...." SPOTLIGHT ON CLOSED DOOR.  "The Family Von Trapp!"  SPOTLIGHT ON CLOSED DOOR.... geez you've seen the movie right?  Anyways I thought that was a funny bit.  Maybe it's because The Sound Of Music is one of the few movies I've seen about a hundred times.  

The very long exchange with Captain Kirk onscreen was theoretically funny.  (The headline in the future proclaimed him the worst host ever and he then tried to improve things to the point of most mediocre host.)  But it was stiff and awkward.  

However.

RECREATING "FLIGHT" WITH SOCK PUPPETS.

Most awesome, funniest thing I have ever seen on the Oscars.  

Also he started the show announcing the beginning of his quest to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh.  Which worked.  Instantly.  Could have quit right there, really.  Should have skipped the Ted bit.  Yeesh that was nasty.  

As can be expected with monster event shows, there were great moments and questionable moments.  

I really enjoyed cinematography award winner, Claudio Miranda, for Life of Pi, which I have to say, is visually unbelievable. 

Isn't he fun?  What lovely white hair.  He was clearly overwhelmed and overjoyed.  

THIS is what I love about the Oscars Telecast: the majority of the hardware is given, on TV, to the people who did all that hard work behind the camera.  The glory and glamour will always go the the faces of the movies, but these are the ordinary people who don't get the red carpet interviews, or get loaned millions of dollars worth of diamonds.  I love the recognition and the honour that goes to those whose work makes the movies possible, before during and after the stars make it happen.  

But imagine how stressful it is to be nominated!  You're thinking you're just the guy in the room with all the screens, you're going to be in a room with all the Famouses, and might be on the stage NO PRESSURE and meanwhile you're equally important in the process so of course you deserve to be there!

Imagine being nominated for costume design.  What the heck would you wear?????

I think it's hilarious that Les Miserables won best make up design.  For making everybody look sad and dirty and thin and... basically, miserable.  Perfect!!

I also love it that short films, short animations, and documentaries are awarded in the telecast.  

The James Bond tribute included performances by Dame Shirley Bassey and Adele.  

DIVA NUMBER ONE: I feel like somebody called her up and asked her to show us how to be a diva.  And she said, of course I will.  She dusted off the gold dress and sang Goldfinger like she's the one who invented dramatic flair.  She was a perfect representative of the 007 style of the era.  It was fun. Doesn't she look fantastic?  What a good looking woman!  

And then Adele picked up the torch.

She is insanely awesome.

I mean, even if she wasn't beautiful I'd be in awe of her immense talent, but holy smokes this woman is gorgeous.  

This was one of my favourite red carpet moments:

Kristen Chenoweth: How tall are you?

Adele: 5'9" but with the heels, 6'1"

Kristen: I'm going to take off my shoes....

Chenoweth would make ME look big, and I'm not.  I've often had a little stab of jealousy for those women who are big and curvy. What must it be like to have some physical substance?  Adele is one class act.  She manages to be sexy without shaking everything in your face. Maybe just being beautiful and talented is enough.  Discuss amongst yourselves while I continue my girlcrush over here.  

The Dive-thon continued.

Jennifer Hudson sang the everything outta this song.  

And yes, she did sound as fan-freakin-tastic as she looked!!! Wow, wow, wow.  And more wow.  Am I talking about the way she looks or the way she sounds?  Both.  How can some people be so good looking and talented at the same time???

And BARBRA showed up...

And was of course, perfect.  She's so sparkly!  Whenever I think of her I think of sparkles.  Does she ever get sick of singing The Way We Were? 

So there was all kinds of musical theatre stuff, including a number from Chicago which turned out to be actual Catherine Zeta Jones so good for her.  And then everybody in Les Miserables ended up on the stage singing like they were really singing, but at that point my eyes were starting to go funny and for a second I thought I was watching the Juno awards and this was a Broken Arcade Social Fire Scene performance because how else would you explain how that many people were on a stage at once, then I gave my head a shake and figured this must be the Grammys and it was one of those things where a whole whack of musicians take turns trying to outdo each other during a tribute to somebody legendary, but this is the Academy Awards and that's when I realized that everybody is in Les Miserable.  Everybody in the world is in that movie.

Speaking of eyes going funny...

Quentin Tarantino made me laugh at first but then made me feel a little worried, because what's wrong with him???  He looks like he's sweating just standing still.  Throughout the whole show he had his collar going one way and his tie hanging the other, and each eye is heading off in totally other directions!  Is he okay???

Maybe he's just himself.  He went on to proclaim this the year of the writers (man), so I shrugged and figured, okay, he can't be too messed up if he's remembering the importance of writers.  I guess he's okay.  It is kind of charming that he's so rumpled and disheveled.  When it's not possibly frightening.  

And speaking of writers, Ang Lee thanked Yann Martel, the author who wrote the novel "Life Of Pi."  I'm always afraid that authors will get left out.  So this was good.

Meryl Streep yanked on her dress on her way to the microphone to call Jennifer Lawrence's name... who then tripped on the stairs on her way to the microphone to accept her Oscar.  

Let's hear it for the Famouses being relatable!  I could be counted on to do both those things!

Can I say here that I'm really digging Jennifer Lawrence? This girl seems so down to earth and real.  She makes mistakes.  She laughs it off.  She often seems amused yet mildly alarmed that she's basically surrounded by idiots.  And she made me cry when she was Katniss Everdeen.  

Yes this would make a lovely wedding dress but besides that, give the girl credit for only tripping on this thing once!  

Later she had a funny encounter with Jack Nicholson.  That sly lecherous old wolf.  

Also funny - her oscar press room interview.  In which she answered dumb questions like, "You're quite young to win this award, do you worry about peaking too early?" and "What were you thinking when you tripped," with refreshingly non-PR-trained answers.  

I love how she's totally enjoying this moment.

Anyways, Daniel Day-Lewis has made history by becoming someone else.  Because that's what ACTING is. Being darn handsome isn't a requirement for being awarded.  He's just lucky that way.

I thought the Best Actor category had a lot of yelling and forehead veins.  DDL has a great forehead.  I wonder if that helped any.  I have forehead veins.  Could I win an Oscar?  haha! He made history -- for being the first guy to win three Oscars. I think Christoph Waltz is two for two - he's won each time he's been nominated!

Ben Affleck didn't get a run at Best Director but his movie was the big winner of the night.  

"Argo" must have been a real burden for him for the last six months.  It's a tricky thing, creating entertainment from history.  Whose history do you use as a foundation?  I grew up in Canada, and would have been about ten when the Iran hostage crisis was going on.  I heard about the Canadian embassy sneaking the Americans out safely.  When I heard about this movie, and the focus on a fake movie shoot to get the hostages away, I thought at first that it was a joke.  I hadn't ever heard anything about that!  But then I wonder, did any American kids hear anything about Ken Taylor and the Canadians?  Everybody sees history from their perspective.  This was the Tony Mendez story.  That's the perspective.  When this was screened in Toronto there were rumblings and questions, and I give Affleck respect for personally contacting with the people who were involved and doing his best to acknowledge their part.  After all, it's good business to make everybody happy. But was it too late?  Did he get the facts?  Do any of us?? Did he focus on great storytelling?  And is a film maker required to get statements from everybody involved before shooting a movie based on real events?  No wonder he looked exhausted on Sunday night.  

But he got handed a little gold guy for Best Picture.  That counts.  

Side note - totally digging the beards, guys, you "three sexiest movie producers alive!"  Don't you think Clooney is working his old Dapper Dan hair pomade to great effect?

He was cracking jokes later in interviews that he can't hug Ben or their beards stick together like velcro.  He said it like that was a bad thing.  How is that bad?

Some people think it was really unromantic for Affleck to thank his wife by saying that being married is work.  

Well duh.

It is.

A ten year marriage is an accomplishment!  By that time the shine has worn off a little, there are a couple kids to distract you, there have been a few fights, and you've decided to keep with it.  Acknowledging the work is honest.  And he did say there's nobody else he'd rather work with.  Come on, that's it, that's what it's all about!  A ten year marriage in the entertainment world is a triumph!

And also I like Jennifer Garner's dress.

It's purple, and it's both elegant and ridiculous at the same time.  

That ruffle is way overkill.  I don't even know how you'd sit down in that.  But hey man, if you're going to do a rear-ruffle-avalanche, go big.  I don't think there's much of a precedence for that, so make it count, right?

Are we finally going to talk about dresses now?

JESSICA CHASTAIN GOT IT RIGHT!  At first I wasn't sure about the colour, because I thought it was too close to her skin tone, but it's lovely.  And it fits.  And she looks fantastic.  As she should.  I mean, look at her. She's a natural, eh? 

"Hellooooo dahling.  I'm a movie staaaaaaah!"

 I don't think Stacy Kiebler is a movie star but she looks like one.

Kristen Stewart finally makes sense to me.  She looks like she's in pain because she is!  She was limping or using crutches.  

That theory breaks down when I remember that she's looked like she's being poked with hot twigs for the last three injury-free years.

I suspect she's one of those kids who never wanted to join student council, but the movie biz is like a giant cheerleader convention or something, and she just wants to like, jam in the music room during spare.  But you gotta play the game, do the work, put on the frilly uncomfortable dress... but at least you can throw a couple finger cannons now and then.  

Anne Hathaway knows how to do the thing.  Smile! 

Okay, this dress is almost just right!  It makes her look non-slouchy, and goddess-level tall and elegant. It's a pretty and polite colour. It's interesting; simple in front, fancy in back. But.  BUT.

Who was in charge of fitting the darts in the front?  Because there's no nice way to say this - it looks like her nips are sticking out.  

THIS PICTURE MAKES ME WANT TO HOWL WITH IMMATURE GIGGLES.

IS SHE AWARE THAT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S FRAMING HER NIPS FOR EMPHASIS???

But otherwise she's just so darn pretty, and I can't get over how good that short haircut is on her.  

So a few ladies showed up looking gorgeous.

Sandra Bullock. Yup. Always.

Halle Berry.  Just unfair, eh?

Salma Hayek, always gorgeous.  Except that my friend Weird Ricky was disappointed that there wasn't enough chest displayed.  It's there, dude.  it's there.  

Helen Hunt, this practical lady. got a dress from a mall store - and it's super nice!!  

I should get one to wear to church.  

You know what?  I LOVE THIS.

I'm getting a history of loving what Zoe Saldana wears.  This is so pretty but crazy busy at the same time.  I love the layered skirt.  And I love the ruffles on top and the bow - I usually hate bows - and the belt - I love belts - and this should not work.  It's too much.  But I don't generally make any sense so yep, I love this.  

I wasn't sure about this dress because I think we've seen this before (ahem jenniferaniston) but then Samantha Barks smiled and her cheek dimple begged me to love this so I do now.

Let's not make a big deal over Jane Fonda's age.  Let's just marvel at how awesome she looks in this dress! 

Oh screw it.  She's 75.  What are the rest of us doing with ourselves???

I also LOVE this.  Helena Bonham Carter also wears crazy things that I tend to think I'd wear if I did something other than pick up horse manure for a living.  Seriously, I would wear this.  I'm mentally plotting a way to get somebody to make me a dress like this and then find a way to get to a fancy event so I can wear it in public. I love the way the skirt is irregular and the top is simple.  Things never hang right on me.  I don't see the point in even trying to wear something with straight edges.  What the hell.  

I love her hair too, because I am a mess, my hair never behaves, so why fight it?  I would do this.  I have done this.  I think I had little butterflies in my hair instead of stars.  Well they weren't real butterflies.  But wouldn't that be fun?  Trained butterflies holding my unruly hair approximately in place?

This'll be me and Jethro in another 5 - 7 years.  (Only not at the Oscars.)  

Jennifer Aniston wore something that is not black or white and my head almost exploded.  Pleasantly!

And finally.  Quvenzhene Wallis.  We best learn how to spell that kid's name right...

This young lady made my day.  She is perfectly nine years old, clearly enjoying wearing this pretty dress, which is just what little girls want to wear!  It's not too grown up, but not disgustingly babyish.  And she's a breath of fresh air.  That poodle purse collection!  I hope she had fun all day, never gets corrupted or jaded by the showbiz machine, and goes on to do whatever it is she loves to do and be well paid for it in her life.  

Which now that I think about it, is a good goal for any of us.

(But I can only take this once a year.)

Goodnight ladies and gentlemen!