That's because last Tuesday I decided (with the help of Dr Santastic) to get off the Effexor, or as I like to call it, Side-e-ffexor. It never seemed like the right thing for me. Although it did do what I needed it to do, which was to stop those awful thoughts I was having. Those kind of kill-kill-die-die thoughts. The too-hard-to-live thoughts. The just-fall-down-and-die thoughts.
If you've been reading Hick Chic since the beginning, you might remember the Celexa withdrawal. Then the drug-free years. Then the admission that all my carefully learned techniques for mental health weren't cutting it anymore. That's when I knew I had to GO GET SOME HELP and if that's a trip to the family doctor and a new prescription then that's what it takes!
Let me repeat: IF YOU NEED HELP GO GET IT. Never be afraid to ask.
So that was three years ago. Last summer I totally lucked out and landed in the office of DR SANTASTIC! He is awesome. I feel so fortunate to finally find a pshrink who Gets me. He figured early on that this ain't the right stuff for me. The constant low-grade nausea and intermittent mild zapping shocks through my skull were solid indications.
I hope this isn't boring to read... i just feel it's important to share this stuff. If blogging has taught me anything it's that I'm not alone with this stuff.
In January Dr Santastic started me on Wellbutrin. So far so good.
We have talked about the whole tangled mess of ADHD and depression and a life without a diagnosis of either/ both and all kinds of other heavy stuff...which I won't be sharing here cuz it's mine and it wouldn't help you anyways. For various reasons we agreed to stop the Effexor and later try something for ADHD. Last month we tried just lowering the dose and slowly wean me off of this but that just dragged it out and was fixing to be a long drawn out stretch of HELL.
I have a severe sensitivity to drugs. All of 'em. It took, like, 5 months of small agony to clear out the Celexa. I can't do that. Don't want to either. A whole summer of misery and lost income...here's where I confess that I haven't been teaching... or even riding. That's when you know there is something wrong with me.
Short story long: I'M DOING THIS THE HARD FAST WAY.
Not exactly Cold Turkey. Kinda room temperature turkey. Yuck.
(Just so you know, I'm not saying this is the way to go. It's just the way I decided, with my doctor's advice.)
Last week I took out the morning dose.
Okay... not as bad as I thought...
Seriously I expected worse.
I was all set up for full on rock star level, Keef Richards style, sweating and puking and shivering on the floor of a hotel bathroom, chewing my own skin off horrible withdrawal.
Hmm. Okay. Don't want to eat but I've been like that for over a month now. Shooting pains? Yeah. I've survived that before. I reported it to Dr Santastic and he told me it's up to me to decide how I can take this...as I sat there with trembly hands and numb lips, trying to finish sentences... no I did not drive myself there.
I said, you know what, screw it. I've washed the bedding, I pulled weeds, I wrote up lists of things the kids have to take over for me and warned the family. I'm pretty much never alone in this house; if I got any withdrawal-induced psychotic ideas I'll be stopped. I'm taken care of and if I'm gonna do it now's the time... Let's just DO THIS. I wanna get it over with.
Saturday I cut out the last dose and here I am.
I feel pretty much medium-grade miserable. Every time I move I feel sharp pains shooting through the back of my skull and often right through to my hands. If I hold still I'm okay, sort of. I sweat my way through the night. I don't really want to eat at all. I'm dizzy. My hands are shaky and I'm a little off balance.
BUT
it ain't as bad as I expected it to be!!!!!
But dudes, people, readers, cyber pals. Typing is kinda not happening right now so I don't think I'll be blogging much. Just wanna drink water and read (when my prickly eyeballs can tolerate it) and not have that zapping pain every time I hit a key. I'm in a surprisingly decent mood. Can you all just kind of keep the party going in the comments section for me? I'd appreciate that. I'll check in sometimes.
SEE YOU ALL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS!
14 comments:
Heidi, I will keep your wellbeing in the upper most of my thoughts. Prayers for you are being sent up. I know you can come out the other side of this. Hold the faith, hold the dog, hold the horse, whatever you need to hang onto. Come back when you can sweetie.
You go, Girl. Look forward to seeing you blogging again. Take good care, and go get a dose of horse breath when you get a chance.
How have the side effects for the Welbutren (sp) to get on?
Good for you. It takes courage to commit yourself to doing it. Any sort of drug, whatever beneficial purpose they serve, have their undesirable side effects and create their own sort of hell and dependencies. I had seen it in friends and family, fought it and been traumatized by it. It is definitely a struggle to kick it.
That's not to say we don't need these drugs, because we do, to fight a greater evil. But it's so hard to find the best, proper fit, to generate maximum good with minimum of bad. I know you know this inside out and you've been looking for the ideal balance for many years. What I want to say is that I appreciate the difficulty of the effort you are making and cheer you on and want to encourage you. Do not lose heart, for there will be good days and bad, but in the end it's worth the fight.
The toughest days of my life was when I went cold turkey on cigarettes and that was only nicotine, not powerful psychoactive drugs. I was my own worst enemy, fighting my own self. What I resented most was that every second thought was about cigarettes, constantly interfering with whatever else was happening.
You sound very good and upbeat and I hope it holds and you stay strong. I know your family is fighting with you, and that's a great support. Let them help you. They need to help you for their own sakes. Hang tough, you can do it.
Hey Heidi: Be brave be strong be courageous and when you can't let your family (physical and cyber) hold you up. I know intimately those zapping shocks that go through your head and the confusion and dizziness that goes with anti-depressants and anxiety med's. I feel you and I'm praying for you and knowing that Jesus will hold you close and help you get through this.
Thank you for being out spoken and out there with your struggles and your successes. You are an inspiration to a lot of people.
Cyber hugs!!!
You are brave and courageous, and I'm so thankful you are getting the kind of good help you need and deserve.
Sending prayers that the worst is over, and it will never be as bad as you expected. And sending grateful thanks to God that you are surrounded by so many that love you!
Yuck..Still no better? I hope that it gets easier, soon.
Gah..I hate when the cure is as bad/worse than the illness...
It's very quiet on the old homestead. It is to be assumed that the horses are munching on the hay and the manure must be piling up.
The cat is mousing in the barn, having an occasional argument with the resident raccoon.
The dog must be there sniffing at the (apple) tree wondering where everybody is.
Bleah. I'm with you. Just about to the day. That's all I'm saying.
So it got worse.
Still hurts to look at gadget.
Later.
Missing you Heidi. Stay strong. You have a lot of people that are praying for you and hoping to see you get through this!!
Thinking of you....
Thank you a million times. Those prayers are being felt, it helps !
Update soon maybe
Still thinking about you. ~pat pat~
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